Rehash

 So I’m trying to kickstart my creative juices, I’ve been slogging through numbness and grief for awhile now and I want to move forward. I know I need to come here more and just keep on writing, it doesn’t matter that no one reads it, I need to keep telling my tale of trying to live some semblance of a life with the dual diagnosis of bipolar disorder and alcoholism (in recovery). After all, all I’m left with now is a lot of free time to write. 

I have my monthly meeting with Dr. Levy tomorrow. It will be a rehash of the familiar complaint: meds are perfectly controlling my bipolar with psychotic features and my anxiety, but the side effects are disabling. Fatigue, sedation and lack of motivation, inability to really laugh or cry, no sex drive, poor memory, some difficulty swallowing, just feel like a lump in a recliner with life passing me by.

I’ve been complaining about all this for over two decades it seems, and it’s all because the available medicine to treat my conditions sucks, plain and simple. Are we back to this again, bitching about the meds, it just gets so tiresome. I’m trying to be stoic, accept my situation, but damnit I’m angry. It’s rolling that huge stone up the hill only to have it come crashing back down as you frantically jump out of the way to avoid being crushed.

What am I left to do here? How do I find the strength to keep going forward? I’m trapped, at least it feels that way. I need this medicine yet it’s left me with a life that seems so bleak—at least that’s how it feels this morning. But I have to remember mornings are always difficult for me, things can look dark but they tend to brighten as the day goes on.

Michael is coaxing me to join him on his morning walk with Lily, I want to protest but I think I’m going to join him. I’ve just got to try and break this inertia, some how, some way…this is so fucking hard. But I know I’m not a quitter. I cannot give up. I just wish I didn’t have to contend with these side effects. But alas, it’s what I have to live with. Remember Melissa, things could always be worse. Trudge on, little warrior.