Well I spoke too soon, the anxiety came back, resulting in weepy phone calls to mom in the morning and afternoon too. After a discussion with her yesterday, I consented to go back up the 400 mg dose of my Gabapentin at noon time. So in total for the anxiety I’m taking 4,000 mg Gabapentin, spaced out between four intervals a day. I guess I feel a touch defeated but I’m trying hard to not get down about it.
I’m pushing really hard into acceptance of the meds and their side effects; I’m so exhausted from bitching about it. I think if I had more things going on in my life to occupy me I would be happier. So I’m gonna look around for more opportunities to do things, what I’m not exactly sure but something will come up.
In the interim I keep myself occupied with writing, reading and cooking. Doesn’t sound like much but it’s what I do. Mom and I have a water aerobics class starting up next month, so that’s something to look forward to. I have therapist Matt and AA sponsor Shawn working with me weekly. And husband Michael and mom watching over me. Plus friends I keep in touch with. Things are OK.
I feel the Gabapentin kicking in and I feel better. My life consists of trade-offs. More sedation but less worry and fear. I accept it’s worth it to be free of panic even if the cost is some grogginess. I’m wondering if I need a support group of people on bipolar meds? Perhaps I’ll investigate. Ok enough for now. Time to rest.
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