Therapy Assignment

 Assignment: a) Why am I my biggest enemy? b) Write about being at peace.

Why Am I My Biggest Enemy?

I think I get into trouble because I sabotage myself by constantly comparing myself to others, and berating myself for not being like the person I am comparing to. Examples include not having a clean house like others, and not walking 10,000 steps a day like my husband. My grandmother used to say, “Comparisons are odious.” I need to remember that wisdom.

When I am caught up in constantly comparing myself to others it does nothing but make me feel like shit and wrecks my self-esteem. I become unable to find joy in what I do well, like cooking and writing, for example. So why do I do this? Why have I become my biggest enemy? Maybe I am a perfectionist, with unrealistic expectations of what I think I should be achieving. Maybe I’m not comfortable with just being me, flaws and all, with shortcomings. 

Maybe I have a fierce Inner Critic, who I think is supposed to keep me in line? Hold me up to impossible standards set by some unknown authority figure from my youth. I’m extremely hard on myself, have been for as long as I remember. Despite the disabling impact of my bipolar medication, I still want to achieve something great—and I punish myself for falling up short. 

Yes, I have become the enemy, ripping apart my self-esteem, and standing in the way of me finding serenity and peace. Help me to help myself. Please.

A Glimmer Of Peace

I had a very profound moment a few weeks back that I’d like to share. It was morning time, I was gripped with crippling anxiety again, and in desperation I closed my eyes and said a prayer to my Higher Power to take away my difficulties, just take it, take my worries and help me. 

When I opened my eyes and took a deep breath, I felt the most wonderful feeling of pure peace come over me. I was completely amazed, I never really pray like I’ve been told to do, I didn’t think prayer would work for me. But I did it and I immediately experienced a taste of peace I have wanted for so very long.

Peace for me that morning was being calm, feeling extremely relaxed in my skin, eased from troubles and worries, breathing deeply and feeling present in the moment. I felt total contentment, I was free from trying to control outcomes. I was in true acceptance of myself and my surroundings, I wasn’t fighting anything anymore. 

My goal is to be able to experience this taste of peace much more frequently, to tap into it every morning if possible. I think one key may be to defeat the Inner Critic. That is going to take some work. I definitely need to become more comfortable with prayer. I will work with sponsor Shawn on that. This is about progress, not perfection. I need to keep reminding myself of that too.