Troubled Waters

 Troubled Waters

So we have had a second death in our AA family, Dan, Jessica’s husband, took his own life last week down in a hotel room in Mexico. This has severely shaken our sponsorship family, Shawn has lost two sponsees in less than a month. My mornings now are dicey, I’m filled with a mixture of irritability and grief, I’m hating this emotional roller coaster I’m on and I’m wondering if it’s safe for me to get close to people that might one day be suddenly gone.

But I talked with therapist Matt, who pointed out that we are all fucked up in some way, and AA is a comfort for me, provides structure and critical support which I certainly need. So I guess I’ll keep going to meetings, doing AA zooms, and attend my writer’s group on Saturday afternoons. I wonder if others are as screwed up over Dan’s suicide as I am, and I wonder when I will get back to feeling good like I did.

That’s the thing, before these recent deaths last month, I was actually doing so much better, the crippling anxiety was brought under control, thanks to medicine adjustment and eye movement therapy with Matt. I celebrated my 7 year sober anniversary, I successfully attended my 40 year high school reunion, oh, I just felt like I finally had a toe hold in troubled waters.

And now, I’m not so sure.

I’ve been struggling to keep up with my writing, my thoughts are drifting and are a jumbled mess. The best I can do for our writing group this week is this journal entry, I’m hoping that reading it aloud might make me feel better. I guess this is kind of a check in of sorts, just providing a snapshot showing the mess I am these days. 

But let’s look on the bright side, I’ve got lots of support around me, my husband and mom, therapist Matt and psychiatrist Dr. Levy, sponsor Shawn and AA friends. I guess what I do is let the grief move through me, at its own pace, and lean on my supports when I need them. My husband has suggested we go see a movie today, so we are headed out this afternoon. I’m here. I’m alive. Trying to just take things as they come, one day at a time. I guess that’s the best any of us can do.