Writing Prompt: Man of Action

 Prompt: Paint a picture in words of any real person. Do you imagine this person doing anything? Show us what they're doing, and try to use their actions to reveal something about who this person is. 

Man of Action

Someone I admire very deeply is my beloved friend and AA sponsor Shawn Redman. From the moment I first heard him speak his wisdom through a square on a Sunday night AA Zoom during the Covid epidemic, I knew he was someone I wanted to learn from, someone I wanted to emulate. 

Shawn is one of the most compassionate, self less people I know. He lives by the AA credo, be of service. He has over 50 sponsees at any one time; I’ve never heard of anyone in the program working with so many people. Shawn helps those in very tenuous situations, he doesn’t shy away from difficult scenarios involving both alcoholism and mental health challenges. 

Many of his sponsees share the same diagnosis I have: alcoholism and bipolar disorder. Shawn has been steadfastly by my side for almost 5 years as I have worked my way back to sanity and sobriety. We meet once a week at a Starbucks in German Village, sometimes to work on my steps, other times to just talk me through anxious thoughts and feelings. Often he can get me to laugh at my situation, something I definitely need to do more.

I think about how I can give back to Shawn all the positive things he has given me. I try to get him to talk to me about the things that are troubling him, providing a shoulder to lean on. He often thanks me for helping to keep him sober. I guess it works both ways, we help each other stay on the right path. 

I’m most grateful for Shawn providing the opportunity for me to connect with those in my writing group. The fellowship I have with these people has been invaluable to me. That’s what Shawn does, foster connections between people. His on-going Monday night AA Zoom is testament to that. 

Sleep Patterns

 So now I think I’ve got issues with the way I’m sleeping. I stopped taking the Simply Sleep, and what’s happening is I take my evening meds at 7:00 pm as usual. By 8:30-9:00 pm I’m falling asleep in my chair and Michael has to wake me up to get me to head upstairs. Then I sleep until roughly 5:30 am and toss and turn for a few hours before eventually getting up.

I want to stop sleeping in my chair. I want to get up later than 5:30. I’m thinking what maybe I try to do is take my evening meds at 8:00 pm? I just don’t want to be waking up so early in the morning, though maybe it’s good for me. Then there is Michael’s recently erratic and changing sleep schedule. I’m trying to adapt to that. I’m so confused. 

I guess it’s good that I am getting 8-9 hours of sleep a night. I shouldn’t be feeling tired all day; what I do feel is sedate and I’m sedentary, which concerns me to no end. My husband wants me active, I’m just crushed that he’s up moving around and doing things while I stay trapped in the recliner. I have to push and get moving; temps are rising into the 70s and it’s good walking weather.

Michael says this early to bed, early to rise sleep pattern is nothing new. I’ve had it before (I just forget). I just don’t have much of a night life, and I guess I can’t say whether this bothers me or not. I’ll be 59 soon but I feel like I’m 79. I’m over medicated I think. What’s new?

Seeing my endocrinologist Dr. Larrimer in four days, psychiatrist Dr. Levy the following week. It seems like I’m always at the doctor office. Tired of dealing with all my conditions. Working to get up the nerve to go traveling with Michael and Basset Lily. I’m absolutely terrified but I may be able to overcome the fear. Working on this in therapy.

So I guess my update is I’m confused and frustrated. Just call me Sitting Bull. Yuck. I hate this!

Therapy Writing Assignment: What Does That Mean?

 Last week we had a conversation and I said some things that merited a deeper discussion to peel back the onion layers on things. Here’s some notes I took:

1. “I appear to be medicated perfectly.” What does that mean? Well, I guess it means this 3-month hell I have gone through trying to get my thyroid med adjusted is over…maybe? My bipolar is under control. My anxiety appears to be under control. This makes me feel safe. Going off the rails doesn’t seem to be much of a possibility now. 

But do I trust that the med dosages are right? I’ve been second-guessing my psychiatrists for years, given the side effects of the meds. And even as I’m typing this, I’m thinking that my Gabapentin needs to be tweaked downward, so I’m not so sedate. I think this way, instead of feeling grateful that I don’t have crippling anxiety right now. Will I ever just be accepting of things? 

Taking all the meds I do sucks, but it’s required. It’s a delicate balance getting the cocktail right. I’ve had to be patient and I’ve put up with a lot. I guess it would be a great relief to know that all the dosages are correct. I’m thinking I need to lean hard into the adage, “Let go.” Perhaps I’ll give that a try.

2. “Not changing has led me to a point that’s intolerable.” What does that mean? I’m afraid of change, I’ve never liked it. I find comfort in repetition, traditions are sacred to me. But what I’ve found is I’m clinging to certain habits that now make me extremely uncomfortable as my doctors and therapist work to encourage me to change behavior. 

I’m referring here to all the time I spend sitting in my recliner. When I say this habit has become intolerable, I mean that it feels like an alcoholic clinging to the bottle, knowing full well she has to stop drinking. I think it’s ok spending some time seated, but there are things I could be doing around here, plus taking walks, etc. Also, I’m watching my husband be more active and I want to join him.

But I’ve taken to sitting in lieu of leaving the house; as my anxiety got worse, I just sat in the chair angsting and calling my mom to complain. I don’t want to live this way anymore. Change is necessary. I’m scared but I have to take a leap of faith. Do I have it in me to get out of my toxic comfort zone and do something that at first might feel challenging and unpleasant? Didn’t I go through this and adapt when I embraced sobriety? 

I’ve successfully changed in the past. I need to acknowledge that. 

3. “I suffer by not going to the rec center.” What does that mean?

4. Matt: Not doing the bare ass minimum and not getting the results I want. What does this mean?

Switching gears: What am I currently doing physically that makes me feel good? (Pool, walking, Lily dog walk)

What time of day appeals for physical exercise? (11:00 am on)

Upcoming opportunities for more movement/exercise: Tai Chi, tennis

Feeling Better?

 So it’s a spring Sunday morning, I must say the anxiety appears to be well controlled, which means I’ve fully adjusted to the 112 mcg. Levothyroxine for my thyroid and the Gabapentin is working. It appears I’m medicated perfectly? Is that even possible? I’m to write about this for therapist Matt. I’m still sedentary but that’s behavior so deeply ingrained that I wonder if I can completely change it. Oh well.

But despite this, I’m feeling better. I’m not afraid. I’m gonna shower today and do laundry, then make a golden beet borscht and a fancy egg salad. I guess I’m still kinda a one trick pony as far as household chores go, but my husband appears content to pick up the slack around here. 

With his new sleep schedule of getting up at dawn he’s got a lot of energy to organize and clean. Heck, this needs to be done and I appear incapable of doing it. Do I blame my meds? Or am I lazy? Matt seems to think I have the energy to do more. I will write about in my therapy assignment for this week. One thing is for sure: I’m getting uncomfortable with all this activity of my husband. It’s spurring me on to do something myself. I can’t just sit around.

For now, I’m taking things slow and steady. Make brunch. Fill pill trays. Shower. Start laundry. Tomorrow morning I do a blood draw for Dr. Larrimer, then visit with mom. Easter is in a week and the family will be gathering. 

***

So it’s Monday afternoon, I had blood draw this morning and then had extremely pleasant visit with mom. It’s 70 degrees out, nice Spring day. Making pasta primavera for dinner tonight, a very timely dish that’s always well-received. I’m feeling good, not wiggy, which is nice. I may though ask Dr. Larrimer for a further reduction in my levothyroxine depending upon my lab results. Go down to 100 mcg, back where we started three months ago. We shall see.

My husband continues to get up before dawn and has a lot more energy than me. This is not a competition though. Remember this, Melissa!

This Beat Goes On

So things are continuing with my husband up early with lots of energy and me sleeping 11 hours and feeling groggy in the morning. It’s difficult having the TV blaring news as I’m trying to wake up; hopefully this is temporary, or if it isn’t I may have to return to the bedroom to get away from it. 

I’m sensitive to news, heck, the television in general. It comes from the repeated manic psychosis I’ve experienced. Waking up in the morning and coming down to a blaring TV set is just not desirable, so someone needs to put in headphones. I’m sure a compromise can be reached.

I need to lean into acceptance that my husband and I are on very different sleep schedules right now, and we have different energy levels. I know that will cause problems if we try to do something like travel, go on a vacation (something he wants to spontaneously do). I’m not responding when he mentions going on a trip, or something like moving out of Ohio. I just don’t feel up to that. 

I worry that he might start pressing me to do something. He envisions packing up the dog in a rental SUV and driving out West with no reservations or itinerary planned. I refuse to do that, and I’m just hoping he’s going through some kind of temporary run away fantasy. Exposure to stressful financial TV news can make you want to run, so I think I just ride things out and stay quiet.

***

Ok, it’s later in the early afternoon, I’m back from my water exercise class, which was wonderful! I got some needed movement and socialized with friends. I feel really good, not like yesterday where I felt wiggy. I managed to go to Target on the way home and pick up some new bathmats and a dish drying rack. I’m glad I got some errands done. 

Michael went skating, I hope he burned off some energy and frustration. I know he must be tired because he didn’t get as much sleep last night. Right now I’ve got the house to myself and it’s peaceful and quiet, just as I like it. We are having leftovers tonight so I don’t have to cook. Hooray! I’m also going to ask for dinner out on Thursday. There’s Blue Jackets hockey on TV tonight to watch. So I’m occupied.

So in sum, today is better than yesterday. Hopefully we can build on this. Easy does it. That’s my mantra of the moment. Adios for now.

Morning Gripes

 So my husband is up early and active, whereas I come downstairs and spend hours in my recliner drinking coffee and waking up. I like it peaceful and quiet in the morning but lately it hasn’t been that way. Subsequently I’m feeling nervous about Michael’s running around, when I honestly should just let him go. I am relieved he is back to sleeping normally again.

 I’m really getting resentful of this med hangover I feel in the morning. But I’m making it worse by adding some OTC sleeping med to my evening pill dose; that makes you feel drowsy the next day. I tried last night not having the Simply Sleep but I tossed and turned in bed. I finally gave up and came downstairs and took 1/2 pill of the sleeping med. I fell asleep about 45 minutes later.

This is getting really tedious and boring complaining about my meds, side effects, anxiety, just all of it. I’ve got to smash through this situation and start living life. I’m glad I’m writing things out before calling mom and dumping all my complaints on her. 

It’s Monday morning, I could be going to the gym but I’m holding off. I need to think of some tasks I can do today. The bathroom needs to be cleaned, there are some kitchen drawers that need to be organized. I have to shower. Remember set expectations low and work within a certain time frame.

Ok, a few hours have passed and I’m feeling much better. I’m tempted to write Dr. Levy a long note, outlining all my complaints with my meds. Basically, I want more energy and motivation; isn’t this why I went through the hell with the levothyroxine tweaks? Well, it didn’t work, at least I don’t think so. 

Michael is pushing me to go on a spontaneous vacation but no, there’s no way in hell I’ve got the stamina for that!

***

Showered, went for a walk. I felt wiggy walking and I think the new problem is I’m getting my Gabapentin now from a new pharmacy and they use a different manufacturer? Thought I had everything finally straightened out, then I started new Gabapentin supply yesterday and today I feel wiggy. Damn it.

I’m back to my chair, will I ever be free? Trying to explain to Michael that I feel like shit but I don’t think he gets it. I think I should call the pharmacy to get clarification if this new Gabapentin could be making me feel unwell. I guess I just want to know when I’m going to be feeling better again. Tired of this hell!

Reckoning

 Slept 12 hours last night, takes me three hours in morning sitting in recliner, drinking coffee, to wake up. Then I’ll be mostly sedentary all day. Rinse, repeat. Is this any way to go through life? Just had session with Levy, there’s not much he’s gonna do to change things. Michael is starting to comment that the Gabapentin needs to be tweaked. But every time I try to lower it the anxiety comes roaring back.

I’m watching my husband run around with all this energy. I cannot even begin to match him. I asked him if he still loves me, and he said yes, unconditionally. I’m realizing that I need to stop comparing myself to Michael, he’s not on these meds, it’s pointless and unproductive to expect myself to be running around like he is. But I can do little things to get out of this chair! 

I need to set small goals, setting expectations low, and then work to achieve them. I think I’m going to start organizing my closet area today. It’s a mess. Michael has given me some shopping tasks to do, buy a dish drying rack and get bathmats. Funny, I don’t want to do any shopping, I don’t want to spend money. Perhaps I will become interested at a later date? 

I’m worried I’m becoming further isolated at home. But I’m going to the pool twice a week for exercise class and that’s great. Am I depressed? I don’t think I am. I’m not contending with suicidal ideation or anything like that. Hey, how relieved am I that I’ve finally adjusted to my thyroid med change and I’ve got no morning anxiety right now? It’s a friggin relief!

Just need to stay calm, cool and collected. Right now I feel like I have a good grip, just want to be moving more. Also notice I do not talk very much; I have mentioned this to Levy numerous times but it doesn’t change anything. Yet if my biggest issues are moving and talking I think I can definitely improve things with more effort on my part.

My reckoning is I have impediments but I may be able to overcome them somewhat. I’m committed to improving my situation. I want to end on a positive note here. Let’s be grateful I’m med compliant, out of the hospital, completely sober with an intact marriage. I’m stable and sane. That’s of upmost importance. One day at a time, Melissa. You got this. Take a deep breath and get on with your day!

Anxiety Update, Sobering Talks With Support People

Ok so I’ve fully adjusted to the new thyroid med dose of 112 mcg. The anxiety in the morning and throughout the day I was experiencing has dissipated. What I’m left with though is two things: 1.) I feel over medicated from the 4,800 mg of Gabapentin I’m now taking to manage my anxiety and 2.) Michael and mom are completely at their limit with dealing with my anxiety angst and self-centeredness. 

I had a completely sobering conversation with my husband this morning first thing where he told me to stop texting him all the time; he said I need to start focusing on other people and their needs; he told me to sort through my angst with the coping skills I get from therapy (journal, exercise, deep breathing, meditation, etc). He wants me to be the pilot of my airplane, facing fear head on. 

I’m afraid.

Next I talked to mom and she echoed everything Michael said. She emphasized she wants me thinking of others more, not being so self-focused. I tried to explain that this past three months of tinkering with my levothyroxine dose has been brutal on me, it set my anxiety off badly, but now it appears to be finally resolved at 112 mcg. But she just wants a break from my angsting in general.

I feel alone.

I will try and do what my support people want, be the captain of my ship, stand on my own two feet. But it’s so challenging when you take the arsenal of meds I do, when you have these diagnoses, oh just forget it, I cannot play the victim card! I just need to push harder to do things, find energy some place, some where. 

Damnit I’m stuck, trapped in this recliner. I wonder if there are others like me, no energy, angsting, overweight, post menopausal, basically afraid? I’m sure there are. I need something to occupy me besides my self-centered thoughts. I should do this week’s writing prompt but I’m too scatterbrained. When will I be feeling stronger? Will I ever get energy again? Feeling kinda discouraged. 

Never give up!