Reckoning

 Slept 12 hours last night, takes me three hours in morning sitting in recliner, drinking coffee, to wake up. Then I’ll be mostly sedentary all day. Rinse, repeat. Is this any way to go through life? Just had session with Levy, there’s not much he’s gonna do to change things. Michael is starting to comment that the Gabapentin needs to be tweaked. But every time I try to lower it the anxiety comes roaring back.

I’m watching my husband run around with all this energy. I cannot even begin to match him. I asked him if he still loves me, and he said yes, unconditionally. I’m realizing that I need to stop comparing myself to Michael, he’s not on these meds, it’s pointless and unproductive to expect myself to be running around like he is. But I can do little things to get out of this chair! 

I need to set small goals, setting expectations low, and then work to achieve them. I think I’m going to start organizing my closet area today. It’s a mess. Michael has given me some shopping tasks to do, buy a dish drying rack and get bathmats. Funny, I don’t want to do any shopping, I don’t want to spend money. Perhaps I will become interested at a later date? 

I’m worried I’m becoming further isolated at home. But I’m going to the pool twice a week for exercise class and that’s great. Am I depressed? I don’t think I am. I’m not contending with suicidal ideation or anything like that. Hey, how relieved am I that I’ve finally adjusted to my thyroid med change and I’ve got no morning anxiety right now? It’s a friggin relief!

Just need to stay calm, cool and collected. Right now I feel like I have a good grip, just want to be moving more. Also notice I do not talk very much; I have mentioned this to Levy numerous times but it doesn’t change anything. Yet if my biggest issues are moving and talking I think I can definitely improve things with more effort on my part.

My reckoning is I have impediments but I may be able to overcome them somewhat. I’m committed to improving my situation. I want to end on a positive note here. Let’s be grateful I’m med compliant, out of the hospital, completely sober with an intact marriage. I’m stable and sane. That’s of upmost importance. One day at a time, Melissa. You got this. Take a deep breath and get on with your day!