Therapy Writing Assignment: What Does That Mean?

 Last week we had a conversation and I said some things that merited a deeper discussion to peel back the onion layers on things. Here’s some notes I took:

1. “I appear to be medicated perfectly.” What does that mean? Well, I guess it means this 3-month hell I have gone through trying to get my thyroid med adjusted is over…maybe? My bipolar is under control. My anxiety appears to be under control. This makes me feel safe. Going off the rails doesn’t seem to be much of a possibility now. 

But do I trust that the med dosages are right? I’ve been second-guessing my psychiatrists for years, given the side effects of the meds. And even as I’m typing this, I’m thinking that my Gabapentin needs to be tweaked downward, so I’m not so sedate. I think this way, instead of feeling grateful that I don’t have crippling anxiety right now. Will I ever just be accepting of things? 

Taking all the meds I do sucks, but it’s required. It’s a delicate balance getting the cocktail right. I’ve had to be patient and I’ve put up with a lot. I guess it would be a great relief to know that all the dosages are correct. I’m thinking I need to lean hard into the adage, “Let go.” Perhaps I’ll give that a try.

2. “Not changing has led me to a point that’s intolerable.” What does that mean? I’m afraid of change, I’ve never liked it. I find comfort in repetition, traditions are sacred to me. But what I’ve found is I’m clinging to certain habits that now make me extremely uncomfortable as my doctors and therapist work to encourage me to change behavior. 

I’m referring here to all the time I spend sitting in my recliner. When I say this habit has become intolerable, I mean that it feels like an alcoholic clinging to the bottle, knowing full well she has to stop drinking. I think it’s ok spending some time seated, but there are things I could be doing around here, plus taking walks, etc. Also, I’m watching my husband be more active and I want to join him.

But I’ve taken to sitting in lieu of leaving the house; as my anxiety got worse, I just sat in the chair angsting and calling my mom to complain. I don’t want to live this way anymore. Change is necessary. I’m scared but I have to take a leap of faith. Do I have it in me to get out of my toxic comfort zone and do something that at first might feel challenging and unpleasant? Didn’t I go through this and adapt when I embraced sobriety? 

I’ve successfully changed in the past. I need to acknowledge that. 

3. “I suffer by not going to the rec center.” What does that mean?

4. Matt: Not doing the bare ass minimum and not getting the results I want. What does this mean?

Switching gears: What am I currently doing physically that makes me feel good? (Pool, walking, Lily dog walk)

What time of day appeals for physical exercise? (11:00 am on)

Upcoming opportunities for more movement/exercise: Tai Chi, tennis