Temper Tantrum

"They" say God only gives you what he thinks you can handle. If so, he must think me capable of handling a lot. I've been sleeping for days, weeks it seems, and my head feels like lead. My eyes hurt too. Medicine related? A result of too much sleep? Both? Neither? Oh, I hate this disease. I hate it!

My body is blubbery, even though I am losing weight. I can't stand it. I won't look at myself in the mirror because I know I'll be disgusted by what I see. Why does my husband stay with me? How can he love this wretched creature I have become?

Let's not forget I've been fired from my job. I haven't given this much thought because I've been rehabbing (and sleeping). What in the hell! I put five years into that place. I am a good, solid worker. But I had two episodes during the course of my employment and that disrupted things. Yet again, my disease has rendered me unemployable. Probably for good this time. What am I going to do? I'm a shitty housekeeper. I want to work! But I keep getting fired. My ego can't take this!

I feel like things are crumbling around me. But I must keep up a brave face because no one wants to hear about a loser -- they want to see winners, people beating back their illnesses, overcoming their disabilities. That's what makes the nightly news, right? Not some unemployed bum like me.

Now, I can descend into a real big pity party quite easily. But I'm guessing you don't want to read about that. No, we need to be thinking about ways I can navigate through this toxic wasteland of depression. I'm writing this, so I guess that's good. I talked to Mom and my husband on the phone. I'm going to get dressed. I am going to attempt to cook dinner. That's enough. Small steps.

God, help me through this depressive cycle. Help Dr. Z find the right medicine for me. I want to smile again.

Bed Head

Good evening. I've been in bed for hours and hours...I think I've slept 16 of the past 24 hours. It certainly seems like I am depressed -- I only stay in bed like this when the dark monster has me in its grips. And I don't want to shower and I have no appetite. Is this depression -- and is the Latuda to blame?

Yes, I do have bipolar disorder and that means one swings from the poles of depression and mania. But Dr. Z's med prescription for me always kept me out of depression. Dr. Blair (at the hospital) suggested the Latuda for my psychosis and depression. Who is right?? Folks, I don't like this. Stop the ride, I want to get off!

I can imagine you are probably utterly confused by all of this, because I certainly can't make heads or tails of it myself. I have an appointment with Dr. Z in two days and I am going to put myself in his hands to sort through this situation. I cling to the Latuda because it is helping me lose weight, but these side effects -- particularly the depression-like symptoms -- are intolerable.

Let's back up and let me list my meds that I take to keep me stable. I have Bipolar Type 1 with psychotic features:

1. Mood stabilizers (Depakote, Lamictal)
2. Anti-psychotics (Latuda, Haldol)
3. Anti-depressant (Latuda, 10 mg. Lexapro)
4. Anti-anxiety (Ativan)
5. Thyroid medication (Synthroid)

My "pattern" is 3-4 years of stability followed by a horrible manic episode in the summer. Repeat. Will I always have this pattern? No matter what med cocktail I am taking? Oh, who knows. My weight goes up and down and it's so very frustrating. I want to be a positive, uplifting person spreading happiness and here I am in a smelly nightgown.

It's my hope Dr. Z can get me relief. If we phase out the Latuda, so be it. I'll take the weight issue over this depression -- any day.

Cheer Up Charlie

Let's start today with a song:

(From Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)

Cheer up, Charlie
Give me a smile
What happened to the smile I used to know
Don't you know your grin has always
Been my sunshine;
Let that sunshine show...

Come on, Charlie
No need to frown
Deep down you know tomorrow is your toy...

When the days get heavy
Never pitter patter
Up and at'em boy

Some day, sweet as a song
Charlie's lucky day will come along
Till that day
You've got to stay strong Charlie
Up on top is right where you belong

Look up, Charlie
You'll see a star
Just follow it and keep your dreams in view
Pretty soon the sky is going to clear up
Charlie,
Cheer up Charlie, do
Cheer up Charlie
Just be glad you're you.

* * *

Up at 4:30 a.m. this morning. Darn Latuda. I came downstairs and started the coffee and popped in a piece of nicotene gum. Sometimes I like being up before dawn -- but this is more frustrating right now. What happens is I get very tired around 9:00 a.m. and need to nap the whole morning. Oh well. I have the time to do so.

I am today going to focus on some positives in my life. Get my chin up. Most importantly, I've got a roof over my head and food in my belly. Thanks God for that. Next, I've got a loving, caring, patient, loyal husband. Family as well. I have friends waiting for me when I'm ready to reach out. I'm not in mania right now.

I found a wonderful group of people with Bipolar Disorder on Facebook. It's called "Bipolar Sanctuary." People from all over the world are there. I have found my "kin" and I'm thrilled about it. I use Facebook quite a bit now. I feel most comfortable communicating through it.

I talked with my Mom about going to the art museum today but I think I am going to postpone that for another day. Just a little too much stimulus for me right now. I also think I'm going to have problems seeing movies. Just watching television is challenging for me. It "hurts" to watch -- kinda hard to explain. My eyes get squinty and my head starts to hurt. I get squirrely and want to leave the room. But I can control my television exposure so that's good.

Cheer up, Melissa. It's another day of recovery and you've got the time and space to do so. Pretty soon the sky will clear up. Just be glad you're you.

Sacked

Well, I've waited a few days to share this with everyone. I've been fired and I'm pretty embarrassed about the whole thing. Not angry -- maybe that comes later. Might it be I'm relieved? Or that I expected it given all the leave I requested this year and the two hospitalizations?

Come to think of it, I've been fired from every job I've had since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I don't want to pursue legal options so don't suggest that. It would stress me out too much and I'm too ashamed and I just want the experiences behind me.

I am seriously considering hanging up my working hat and focusing on staying at home. Staying stable. I just can't handle these hospitalizations every 3 years. We haven't pursued this strategy before. I'm very proud and I wanted to keep working despite the diagnosis and the medications and the concerns about stress. But let's get honest: I'm disabled.

I'll share a secret I'm also ashamed of: I receive federal disability insurance (SSDI). I'll continue to receive that. It's not much but it helps with monthly bills. My family subsidizes us too. What a sorry state of affairs this is!

But I know from my interactions with others sharing my illness that my story is all too familiar. I've got a husband who works and no children to support. We make it on his salary and money from our parents. Things could be so much worse and I count my blessings. The more I think about it, just focusing on running my household makes more sense. It's not something I prefer, but something I find I'll be doing  (by default).

I haven't let my husband know of my intention to leave the workforce. I'm going to wait a few weeks. I don't think he'll be mad -- just disappointed and probably sad for me. I don't like dwelling on the negative in these posts so I'll end here. Blue skies will come eventually. They always do.

Baby Steps

Up very early every morning. That's the one problem with Latuda: you don't sleep very well in these initial weeks. I take an Ativan to try and get sleepy again. I get frustrated that I must take all these pills but that's a part of my life now.

I was invited to go out with some friends two nights ago, but declined as I always do. I get tired easily; I don't like crowds; I live like a hermit now. It's not that I want to be this way -- I just feel most comfortable living like this.

I wonder if other people with bipolar illness are like this? I know depressives don't want anyone around and strongly medicated folks in mania can't really function too well. Sure, you've probably seen manic people with bipolar dancing off the walls but I'm guessing they are not taking their meds or tinkering with them.

I have been driving out to my Mother's house every day and spending time with her. I know I should make some effort to go out, preferably showering beforehand. I managed to take a shower Friday (it's Sunday) and it was an effort, to be sure. But I am hopeful as my body adjusts to these new meds I will get some energy back.

It's a beautiful Fall day and I think I am going to put a coat on and try to go for a walk. Some of the swelling has gone down and I can walk without pain, though I did break my toe 2 weeks ago. That still hurts. I feel like I'm just one big downer today...no, none of that!!! I'm taking my Baby Steps of recovery from the hospitalizations and the horrible mania this past summer.

Let's leave things here on a positive note. I'm home, it's pretty outside, my family and friends love me. That's a lot to be grateful for these days.

Rehab

Tough day for me yesterday. I felt sluggish and my tummy was a little upset. But this morning at 4:00 a.m. I am feeling better and I think as my body adjusts to the Latuda things will improve markedly.

My weight is slowly starting to decrease. I'm so, so happy about this. I've dropped in a pants size and I walked the dog yesterday and had no back pain. I was dazed, however, for much of the day and cleaning the kitchen is difficult. This is strange and frustrating for me because I love to cook, but can only do so in a clean kitchen.

I'm struggling with taking showers and brushing my teeth, although I do get out of bed every morning. I don't feel depressed even though I am exhibiting signs of depression. I am resolved that I am going to take a shower today. No matter how hard that may be.

I found a Bipolar group on Facebook called "Bipolar Sanctuary" and there are wonderful people there. I am looking forward to making new "friends." I like Facebook and use it quite a bit.

My husband and I talked about going to see a hockey game tonight but we are going to stay home and watch it here. I'm not ready for big crowds -- it's too soon and I've only been out of the hospital for less than a week. There's a football game on Saturday and we had tickets for that but again, we are going to watch it on television with my Mother. I know the day will come when I can go to these events. I just need to wait until I am feeling better.

I don't have anything planned for today. I guess this is a good thing. Yesterday I ended up taking a long, three hour nap during the day and that's a possibility for me today. All in all, this "rehab" is going along as planned. I have my loving husband and family circled around me and I'm so, so lucky. So bring on the day. One step at a time I am getting stronger. I won't let my illness get the best of me. I'm a fighter. Always have been. Always will be.

Magical Mystery Tour

Okay. I explain my absence. I return from not one but two hospitalizations. They were a month apart, and although I really liked the facility, when you're locked up, you're locked up. No two ways about it.

We have been trying to cap this mania (with psychosis) all summer long. It has held on for 5 months -- the longest period to date. Now, some of the reason for this is I refused to take Zyprexa, a med known for it's great reliability for arresting mania. I refused it because it causes obesity. Instead, I was put on a Seroquel/Haldol mix, which ultimately didn't work and caused obesity as well.

It was not until I got to the psych ward that I came under the care of Dr. Blair, who recommended Latuda for breaking mania and losing weight. I am now on a good dose and the psychosis/mania is broken and I can tell the swelling is going down. But let's keep in mind this episode is fizzling out on it's own. It's had me in it's grips for a long, long time.

Now, all of this calls into question the efficacy of my own psychiatrist, Dr. Z, in knowing which meds to prescribe for me. Is he at fault? Well, it's actually hard to say. Because the psychosis feels so real, and I did not tell him I thought I was involved in a huge drama filled with government agents and me as a religious figure/witch doctor of sorts and a Hollywood film production, he didn't know the Seroquel/Haldol wasn't working. But why wasn't I put on Latuda from the start?

I am guessing when I went to see him I must have looked okay? That it looked like the Seroquel/Haldol was working? That he thought I wouldn't mind the weight gain? When I am in psychosis it feels so real and I hide it -- I think because I know it must be kept a secret. Yet we have been at this place before. I've now had 7 hospitalizations.

All of this aside, I was nuts for 5 months. I am now thinking that once these manias start, they are going to run their course no matter what meds we throw at them. They are strong, gale-force episodes and I just don't think the drugs available today on the market (that I will take) can arrest things. This is perhaps the most frustrating thing about my particular diagnosis of Bipolar 1 with psychosis.

So here I am this morning, in rehab mode. My Mother has moved back to Columbus and is in high gear to help me get the house cleaned up and get the maintenance work done on the house (our house is over 100 years old). My husband has been "shell shocked" in a way, having a sick wife for 5 months and having to be the caregiver on his own. We desperately need the help, and I am lucky I have a wonderful Mother here to provide it.

I need to read back over the posts this summer to see if I sound lucid because believe me I was far from it. Maybe I looked and talked normally -- that can be the only explanation for why Dr. Z kept me on Seroquel/Haldol. Because I'm here to tell you it didn't work for me and I'm sitting here obese, which I wanted desperately to avoid.

Let's find the bright spots in this Magical Mystery Tour: It's Over. At last. Finished. I will be able to go back to work soon. Fingers crossed the Latuda -- kept on board as a permanent med -- will keep the mania arrested and help me lose this weight. I see Dr. Z today and we will have much to discuss. I'm not angry, just disappointed and frustrated.

I'm back to the blogging and I'm so grateful I can write, get my thoughts organized and down on paper. Maybe I will be able to read soon? Fingers crossed. Forward I go. Shaky, but on solid ground.