My body is blubbery, even though I am losing weight. I can't stand it. I won't look at myself in the mirror because I know I'll be disgusted by what I see. Why does my husband stay with me? How can he love this wretched creature I have become?
Let's not forget I've been fired from my job. I haven't given this much thought because I've been rehabbing (and sleeping). What in the hell! I put five years into that place. I am a good, solid worker. But I had two episodes during the course of my employment and that disrupted things. Yet again, my disease has rendered me unemployable. Probably for good this time. What am I going to do? I'm a shitty housekeeper. I want to work! But I keep getting fired. My ego can't take this!
I feel like things are crumbling around me. But I must keep up a brave face because no one wants to hear about a loser -- they want to see winners, people beating back their illnesses, overcoming their disabilities. That's what makes the nightly news, right? Not some unemployed bum like me.
Now, I can descend into a real big pity party quite easily. But I'm guessing you don't want to read about that. No, we need to be thinking about ways I can navigate through this toxic wasteland of depression. I'm writing this, so I guess that's good. I talked to Mom and my husband on the phone. I'm going to get dressed. I am going to attempt to cook dinner. That's enough. Small steps.
God, help me through this depressive cycle. Help Dr. Z find the right medicine for me. I want to smile again.
1 comment:
Please contact me and we can talk. I care.
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