Magical Mystery Tour

Okay. I explain my absence. I return from not one but two hospitalizations. They were a month apart, and although I really liked the facility, when you're locked up, you're locked up. No two ways about it.

We have been trying to cap this mania (with psychosis) all summer long. It has held on for 5 months -- the longest period to date. Now, some of the reason for this is I refused to take Zyprexa, a med known for it's great reliability for arresting mania. I refused it because it causes obesity. Instead, I was put on a Seroquel/Haldol mix, which ultimately didn't work and caused obesity as well.

It was not until I got to the psych ward that I came under the care of Dr. Blair, who recommended Latuda for breaking mania and losing weight. I am now on a good dose and the psychosis/mania is broken and I can tell the swelling is going down. But let's keep in mind this episode is fizzling out on it's own. It's had me in it's grips for a long, long time.

Now, all of this calls into question the efficacy of my own psychiatrist, Dr. Z, in knowing which meds to prescribe for me. Is he at fault? Well, it's actually hard to say. Because the psychosis feels so real, and I did not tell him I thought I was involved in a huge drama filled with government agents and me as a religious figure/witch doctor of sorts and a Hollywood film production, he didn't know the Seroquel/Haldol wasn't working. But why wasn't I put on Latuda from the start?

I am guessing when I went to see him I must have looked okay? That it looked like the Seroquel/Haldol was working? That he thought I wouldn't mind the weight gain? When I am in psychosis it feels so real and I hide it -- I think because I know it must be kept a secret. Yet we have been at this place before. I've now had 7 hospitalizations.

All of this aside, I was nuts for 5 months. I am now thinking that once these manias start, they are going to run their course no matter what meds we throw at them. They are strong, gale-force episodes and I just don't think the drugs available today on the market (that I will take) can arrest things. This is perhaps the most frustrating thing about my particular diagnosis of Bipolar 1 with psychosis.

So here I am this morning, in rehab mode. My Mother has moved back to Columbus and is in high gear to help me get the house cleaned up and get the maintenance work done on the house (our house is over 100 years old). My husband has been "shell shocked" in a way, having a sick wife for 5 months and having to be the caregiver on his own. We desperately need the help, and I am lucky I have a wonderful Mother here to provide it.

I need to read back over the posts this summer to see if I sound lucid because believe me I was far from it. Maybe I looked and talked normally -- that can be the only explanation for why Dr. Z kept me on Seroquel/Haldol. Because I'm here to tell you it didn't work for me and I'm sitting here obese, which I wanted desperately to avoid.

Let's find the bright spots in this Magical Mystery Tour: It's Over. At last. Finished. I will be able to go back to work soon. Fingers crossed the Latuda -- kept on board as a permanent med -- will keep the mania arrested and help me lose this weight. I see Dr. Z today and we will have much to discuss. I'm not angry, just disappointed and frustrated.

I'm back to the blogging and I'm so grateful I can write, get my thoughts organized and down on paper. Maybe I will be able to read soon? Fingers crossed. Forward I go. Shaky, but on solid ground.