Check In

 Hello there reader(s), it’s a Saturday morning in June, and I’m feeling completely relaxed, though a tad sedate from the extra dose of my anxiety medication. But I’m coming to peace with my sedentary nature as of late, heck it’s hardly surprising given everything I’m taking these days. Michael has been picking up the slack by doing cleaning chores and I’m deeply appreciative of that. Without him I’d be screwed, or maybe I’d survive some way but it would be exceedingly difficult. I’m wondering if I should question Dr. Levy about possibly lowering this elephant dose of the antipsychotic Risperdal I’m on—but I’m so fearful of going manic psychotic again that I’ll probably say nothing and stay where I am.

I’m coming back again and again to acceptance of my difficulties and current situation. On the one hand I’m feeling extremely sedate and fatigued and unproductive; yet on the other hand, I’m firmly anchored in reality, feeling “normal,” and I’ve got complete relief from the anxiety, which was a true bitch to deal with these past three months. It’s kinda like Dr. Levy has got me fine-tuned on the medication available to treat my specific diagnoses of bipolar with psychotic features and the anxiety disorder; but it’s left me kinda flat and numb and not feeling much emotion at all. 

Fetter mentioned on Thursday that my affect was flat. I explained it was due to the extra Gabapentin and he suggested I might want to dial it back. But I’m just not sure I want to do that. Having relief from the anxiety means a lot to me. Plus I know unchecked anxiety leads to a ramp up in mania—I have the history, I know what has happened to me in the past, I believe every one of my past episodes involved escalating anxiety spiraling out of control, leading me to seek refuge in mental wards, which themselves are traumatic. So I will sit here and accept a flat affect, knowing I am safe, relaxed, and hopefully back on a road of stability for awhile.

So I guess here I am, still analyzing my situation, my moods, my mental state. I definitely don’t feel very creative right now, save for what comes out of my kitchen every night. I do have my writing group this afternoon and I’m looking forward to that. I’ve written a piece on my Claddagh ring Michael gave me 23 years ago. It’s poignant. That’s it for now, until next time, easy does it.