Difficulties

 OK, so I am now about seven months out from my last hospitalization, and I have been experiencing such crippling anxiety, particularly in the morning hours. Spoke with Dr. Levy and we increased my morning Gabapentin dose, which is helping to take the edge off of the worrying. I find it very, very interesting that for the first four or so months post-hospitalization I had no anxiety and was perhaps on the manicky side of things; then dipped a tad into mild depression, and now it’s the anxious state. I cannot seem to catch a break, I don’t say this looking for pity, rather I’m just observing my situation and writing it down here so I have it for reference.

Another thing about this last hospitalization is I went into a “confused”/quasi-manic(?) state without the use of any mind-altering substances, I had not been drinking or using weed, and I was perhaps lulled into this false sense of security that my sobriety would somehow steel me from any more episodes. Alas, that was not the case. I’m slowly coming to accept the reality that I will most likely have another episode, but the good news is I went almost 6 years between episodes this time; and I learned if I limit my social media use and also watch my obsessive dieting I can perhaps go for a longer stretch of time. My goal would be to maintain stability for 10+ years, and I realize that’s a little lofty, but we can only hope.

Mom suffers too from anxiety and I told her we are wired with overactive brains and it’s just our lot in life to contend with this situation. I think of her still contending with anxiety in her 80s, and wonder if that will happen to me when I’m her age. I would hope that maybe I’ve found some peace by that time, but who knows. I’ve turned to medication to try and manage it, and that does help. I wonder how long this anxiety will plague me, will it be years, I guess I have to consult with Dr. Levy and get his take on the situation. 

So it’s Thursday and I have therapy at 12:30. I’m going to discuss this “recovery arc” I’ve been going through, and inquire if the trauma of going through the psychotic state is what is causing all this anxiety; and then ask some really hard questions about whether I need to pursue CBT or DBT to manage this, or whether a more “narrative” approach is satisfactory for me. I guess all I’m asking for is relief from the crushing, obsessive worrying and self-analysis. 

OK, I’ve got to run. Til next time. Adios.