Healing

 Good morning, dear reader(s), it looks to be a beautiful Sunday here in my corner of the world. I awoke at 8:00 am, after a long sleeping session and I feel calm, thanks to the rest plus extra Gabapentin I am taking for anxiety. Sometimes I wonder if I am sleeping my life away, but I know it is just my brain healing from these past manic episodes. It feels comforting to be back here in reality (though I miss the creative energy). There are pieces of my art cluttering up the parlor and I want Michael to take them up to the attic; but he likes having it around, so I guess it is all staying downstairs for now. I’m feeling this strong urge to throw a lot of stuff out, but this always happens in my recovery trajectory. 

I’ve been attending my Writer’s Circle and really loving it. It gets my mind thinking, and I get to exercise my writing skills, which had been almost nonexistent for such a long time. Plus there is the comraderie of me and the guys in the group, which I treasure. I’m not sure how long this little group will keep going, but I hope we can sustain it for awhile. I have a deep gratitude to Shawn and our “leader” Andy for setting this group up. It came right at the time I needed it, when my medication had been adjusted so my writer’s block was broken. I guess maybe that hospitalization last November wasn’t such a bad thing, I got the Depakote dosage cut in half and my cognition greatly improved. So now the writing is possible. 

I’ve had problems with motivation again, doing chores like keeping up with the laundry and putting things away. I do though keep the kitchen spotless, always have, so that’s something to hang my hat on. I think CBT techniques, like completing a worksheet every day for chores would be extremely helpful; maybe I’ll try making my own worksheet, though I don’t know if I can stick to it. I guess I’ll just say that I’d like to try and do some laundry today, maybe two loads, which is not too much to accomplish. I’d also like to take a shower, that would feel good. Push through, Melissa, push!

I know it’s the medication that makes things so difficult for me, I get so tired trying to explain this to everyone. Maybe I just be content with the knowledge that I know what’s going on and leave it at that. Oh, how I fantasize that I had a housekeeper to take care of me, my home environment, make it clutter-free and orderly. Oh well, that’s not to be, so I should move into acceptance and realize that things could be a whole helluva lot worse. Today, let’s just deal with small steps. Shower. Two loads of laundry. Cook spaghetti and meatballs dinner. AA Zoom. Keep it simple. That works best.

OK that’s it for today. One foot in front of the other. I got this.