I’m OK, You’re OK?

 I’m amazed, dear reader(s), at how much time I spend ruminating in my recliner, fretting over whether I am OK or not. I know the root of this is my constant fear that I will go manic psychotic again, and lose touch with reality and do things like wander around towards downtown or to some other destination. I’m working extremely hard in therapy to realize I’m OK right now; and that I will be OK for awhile. Maybe it’s even possible to see that I can be OK through the vestiges of the post-hospitalization period, where the psychosis can still hang around for a bit. 

I had been contending with crippling fear and anxiety—particularly in the morning hours—but had a FaceTime with Dr. Levy earlier this week and he increased my morning dose of Gabapentin. That change has really helped me. He explained that a long period elapses between my evening dose of Gabapentin at 7:00 pm and my morning dose at 8:00 am and that is why I’ve perhaps been struggling so much. I feel a great sense of relief right now, here on Friday morning in June 2023. I think if we can just get my anxiety under control I can do OK. 

I must tell you, dear reader(s), at this point in time I have absolutely no faith in the medical establishment that their medication can keep me from having another manic psychotic episode in the future. I don’t know when it will happen again; maybe in five years, maybe 10 years, who knows, but I honestly believe it will happen again and that scares the shit out of me. Yet I don’t want to live in a state of constant fear. That doesn’t do me any good. I guess I just say today I am OK, tomorrow I will be OK, and go on from there. I’m on a whopping 4 mg of the antipsychotic Risperdal; my moods are stable; I’m sleeping 9-10 hours every night. My mood stabilizer Depakote dosage has been reduced to 750 mg and my cognition is drastically improved, so I can now write again and take steps towards reading. A plus!

Knowing I’m OK is really, really important to me. Also knowing I’m “safe” whatever that means; I guess not in manic psychosis, however mild it might be. I guess my cross to bear is I will always, obsessively, be analyzing myself and my mood states, sitting in my chair ruminating. I’m going to push today to get out of the chair and do some tasks…walk Lily, make some beds, put away clothes, stuff like that. I continue to have trouble with motivation (thanks Risperdal) but I’m going to push myself. Michael has been a big support, he puts up with so much, I’m deeply indebted to him. 

Today I’m OK. I’ll take that.