Acceptance

 Mornin’ and all that, got up at 7 a.m. after a restful night’s sleep. I’m moving into acceptance of my situation, the med dosages, I guess I’m just grateful that I’m here firmly tethered in reality and taking it easy. Fetter and I had a good session yesterday, where he coached me on looking at the bright side of my situation, saying I had a superior intellect and ability to condense large chunks of information down to the essence of meaning, and I thanked him for pointing that out. Certainly my cognitive skills have improved and I’m very pleased about that. 

I could tell that Fetter does not want me using the word “disability” or “disabled” rather saying “limitations” if I need something to describe what the side effects of my meds do to me. He also does not want me texting or emailing Dr. Levy begging for a reduction in my Risperdal—we talked about it and I guess we decided that I’m best off accepting this 4 mg dose because it protects me better should another episode occur, which is probably likely, maybe not for another 5+ years, but honestly let’s get real, the manias come and I just need to accept that.

I’m scared of the episodes, even though when I’m in them I outwardly can appear totally normal. I actually can enjoy them when they are happening, it’s like I’m being filmed for a movie, maybe I enjoy the grandiosity of it all. Perhaps it would be easier for me if my bipolar did not have the psychotic features attached, I wouldn’t feel the compulsion to wander, that’s what scares me now, that I might wander into a dangerous situation and get into trouble. Thank god Michael can track me through my phone, and through credit cards so he knows where I am at all times.

I’m sitting here kinda fearful and I don’t want to be this way, but it’s hard when I think of my past episodes and what they entailed. Maybe I use this fear to throw myself into acceptance of the Risperdal, side effects and all, for the rest of my life, however long that may be. I’m just so glad this last incident/episode is over, good riddance, I’m safe, I didn’t have any wild spending spree, I didn’t wander into a random church, I actually just occupied myself with my blog here so I have a record now of my thought patterns from December 2022-March 2023 when I was in that manicky/psychotic state. I haven’t read back over those entries, I’ll do that at a later date. 

I’m not going anywhere today and actually I’m kinda glad. I just want to stay here safe in my home. Michael is going to be out on errands and I don’t like being alone but it’s OK I can handle it. I’m going to do laundry and take a shower, have lunch and read another romance novel mom got me. Mom is on her way to Boston right now for a funeral in New Hampshire but she’ll be home tomorrow night. I have my writing group tomorrow and I’m looking forward to that. Everything is going to be OK. 

I just try to keep telling myself I’m safe and keep things calm and predictable. Sometimes that’s hard. I wish I didn’t get so anxious all the time. I’m so dependent on Michael and mom. Gotta stand on my own two feet. Why am I feeling so insecure today?