Just keeping a record here for me, this morning is my FaceTime with Dr. Levy, to discuss how I’m doing, and a chance for me to make any requests for tweaks in my meds. I didn’t sleep well last night, so I’m extremely tired but also always fearful of getting manic psychotic again. This doesn’t stop me though from desiring a reduction in my antipsychotic Risperdal, because the side effects are so onerous and I desperately want relief. I guess I’m confused as to how to approach this session—do I request to drop down from 4 mg to 3.5 mg or just throw my hands up in the air and say help, I’m unhappy, we are right back where I was 6 years ago, feeling stuck in tar and I can’t stand it.
My cooking is suffering, the dishes are not up to my standard, and it’s a little harder to write. I’m posting fewer and fewer entries, and I’m concerned about that. I did though have two victories yesterday: got the sheets cleaned and beds made and read half of that chick lit book mom gave me. So I can do some things, I’m not completely disabled, I just want more relief from the emotional flatness and fatigue and struggles with more motivation. I’m fighting like hell to convince myself this will not be my lot in life for the rest of my days, yet sadly more and more I’m believing that as long as I need an antipsychotic, which is til I die, I will suffer. I want to scream, “This isn’t fair!” but I know there are many, many others much worse off than me, so I need to pick myself up and keep moving forward.
I’m in that terrible space where I have a lot of self-pity, hating my situation, feeling like my life has been a waste. What’s maddening is I swallow these meds every night, exerting my own free will, knowing that they may keep my moods stable but they wreck havoc on my life. I wonder if Dr. Levy can help me today, or if everything will stay the same? Will I start sending him lengthy emails again, begging for my life back, demanding some different course of treatment, but ultimately getting nowhere? Is this current state my new normal, will my cooking go to hell, oh what is to become of me, I wish I knew.
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OK, just had my session with Dr. Levy, and he gently but clearly explained that we are holding all of my meds exactly where they are, no changes in dosage amounts, this is my new normal. I have to learn to push for motivation, force myself out of the chair, challenge the side effects, if that’s possible. No more dreaming of lowered Risperdal, I’ve been hospitalized 10 times, my brain wiring is damaged and I need the protection of a higher dosage. It’s just that simple, no more, no less, this is my situation. So I’m going to suck it up and move forward, find my way through this, grow and adapt. I’m disappointed but at least I know what I’m dealing with now.
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