Slogging Through The Tar

 So here I am, 8 months post-hospitalization, 3 months post-last vestiges of mild psychosis/somewhat manicky art creation period, and I’m feeling blunted by what I’m guessing is the 4 mg. Risperdal I’ve been on this whole time. I feel emotionally flat, struggling with motivation, always fatigued, no energy and I’m pretty sure this is all a side effect of the Risperdal. I have a FaceTime with Dr. Levy tomorrow morning, and I’m torn between seriously pushing for a Risperdal reduction or just accepting my state of affairs because I’m frightened of going nuts again. Maybe I just let go and tell Dr. Levy I’m miserable, then see what he says about it. 

I did manage to get dressed today before noon, and get all the bedsheets in the washer this morning. I’m going to spend today trying to read a light, chick lit book my mom gave me, just to get some practice with reading, which has been so difficult for so many years. I’m sensing that I’m really going to need to push myself through all the disabilities caused by the medication side effects—but it’s tiring, and I encounter road blocks, and I often just want to give up. I know oh so well why people don’t want to take these meds, who wants to feel like they are in tar?

But I have been completely med compliant going on 6 years now, sober too, and I’ll continue on this path. I just wish I didn’t feel like my life is slipping away; and this makes me wonder if maybe I’m feeling a tad depressed, but then who wouldn’t be if they had to take the meds I have to. Michael is being an angel, putting up with my sedentary ways, my flatness, oftentimes it’s just him doing all the talking whilst I sit here, mute, doped up, is this any way to conduct a relationship? Will it be this way for the rest of my life, or will some new medicine cocktail come down the pike? Why do I have to be on such old meds—oh, I know, I tried all the newer meds and just ended up nuts.

I’ve got to break away from all this self-analysis, and just get down to the task of living. Michael is going to bring me some ice cream to have as a treat tonight, and I’m going to prepare a roasted salmon Niçoise salad for dinner, should be tasty. I have sponsor Shawn’s AA zoom tonight and I’m looking forward to that. It’s hot outside, summer is here, not my favorite time of year to be sure but I’ll muddle through as best I can. Yes, I hate my meds but it is what it is, just keep livin and all that. Ok that’s all for today, onward I go to making beds and attempting to read. Small goals, baby steps. As always.