Motorin Through

 Had a rough night’s sleep last night, up and down, nightmares about the dogs getting out, just anxiety dreams, yuck. So I’m dragging this morning, and wouldn’t you know I have a Zoom with my Smith pals, which I wanted to be up for, but now I’m running on fumes. I would love to be back in bed but I’m a terrible napper, so I guess I just suck this up and move forward the best I can.

I’ve decided if I just have to be sedentary in a recliner so be it—at least I’m reading again, and I’m writing, and I text people and read and write emails on my iPad. Thank God I’m done with Facebook for the most part, that social media rots your brain, what a rabbit hole that took me down! Good riddance, I’m back to books, I’m inching closer to going to the Main Library and seeing what’s going on there.

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Ok, so it’s a few days later, I’m sleeping better now, working through one of the romance novels mom got me and it’s light, enjoyable reading that I’m pleased I can do! I’m shifting my thinking and attitude towards look, this high dosage of the Risperdal makes me disabled in some ways, and that’s ok, focus on what I can do, maybe start walking more even though it’s summertime and I hate the heat. I’m going to try and be productive today, do some laundry, maybe put some clothes away, maybe take some things out to the trash. But not going to push it, I want to read this afternoon, and make a beef casserole for dinner.

I wish I could come to peace with this 4 mg. Risperdal dose, it’s my last hurdle to face, why do I keep fighting it, it’s so tiring fighting all the time. I guess I want to be back to the free-spirited self I was before all the meds, but I was much younger then, not 57 years old like I am today. Let go, Melissa, stop fighting, move into acceptance and realize this is all part of a Higher Power’s plan for me. My life is not awful, I have many, many things going for me, I’m blessed. 

Michael thinks I analyze too much but that’s just how I’m wired. I’ve been keeping journals since I was a young child, I find solace in words, I’m a thinker and a communicator. I’m so glad I have this blog here to read back over and see my thought patterns over the months—clearly there’s been a shift in the number of entries since that manicky period over the winter died off. But importantly I feel calmer now, less charged up, moving slowly but that’s FINE. I’m going to get dressed and take Lily on her morning walk, get moving, get out of my recliner. 

Feeling AOK right now, which is nice, stay in today and all will be well. Off I go, thanks for listening whoever you are. Oh yes, that’s myself.