Writing Prompt: What Are You So Afraid Of?

 Prompt: What are you so afraid of?

Dismantling Fear

Ask me what I’m afraid of and I’ll pull out a piece of paper where I outlined my three major fears: That I’ll be a) alone; b) broke; and c.) insane, assuming all of these three things will be going on together, with no hope in sight. But wise AA Sponsor Shawn had me make this list, with the added instruction write underneath each fear the FACTS about where things stand today. What followed was an eye-opening exercise which left me feeling confident, definitely less fearful, and yes, optimistic that I was indeed going to be safe and OK. So let me go through this piece of paper I have, giving voice to the facts that keep me grounded in today, not a catastrophic unknown future.

Fear #1: I am alone.

Facts: I have a loving, loyal husband by my side. I have extended family all over Columbus, including my mother, brother, sister, and numerous nieces and nephews. I have numerous friends all over this town. I have my AA family, including Sponsor Shawn, my Creative Writing group, and other individuals in the recovery community. I may join a church, and find a new church family. So in other words, I am definitely not alone!

Fear #2: I am broke.

Facts: My husband and I are not broke. We have ample savings and financial security throughout retirement. We own our house. We do not live a lavish lifestyle and stay within a budget. My husband is frugal and an excellent financial planner. Everything is going to be OK. 

Fear #3: I am insane.

Facts: I have bipolar type 1 with psychotic features. I may have sporadic episodes but they are managed by one of the best psychiatrists in the city. I take my meds now as prescribed, religiously. I am completely sober from all substances, and have been for over 6 years. I get anxious I will go off the rails, but I have a safety net of doctors, family and friends around me. I know what to do if an episode starts to take hold, who to call and where to go, the hospital if need be. Every one of my episodes has a beginning, middle and end. They do not last forever. Today I am sane—and I’m like this most of the time! Can you even call me in an episode insane? Does this label even apply?

When I think about my base fears, I can see that they are rooted in this feeling that I am not going to be OK, or safe even. Sponsor Shawn said to me, Am I practicing faith that everything is going to be OK? I think about this a lot. According to the facts, my fears have no merit. Isn’t it time to let go and see my Higher Power has got me, has ensured I’m safe, I’m protected. Put your faith in the Higher Power and rest easy. Everything is handled. And that’s a fact.