Life Saver

My husband got me to take a walk after dinner. I have been sedentary for so long that I need firm prodding to move my body. I also told you he reminds me every night to brush my teeth. Mom is going to start reminding me to bathe on a regular schedule. I have problems with that.

There's a Beach Boys song that's in my head tonight:

The Beach Boys

"God Only Knows" The Beach Boys

I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I'll make you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me

God only knows what I'd be without you

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me
Well life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me

God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I'd be without you

Awakening

My writers block is gone. It lasted eight months this time. Eight months of an inability to put any of my thoughts down on paper.

To try and get things moving, I asked my husband to buy me a laptop for Christmas. He obliged but there it sat in its box until two days ago. And I find myself today with it comfortably on my lap, up and running.

What in the world smashed the block this time?

Brian Wilson

Well my husband took me to the movie "Love and Mercy" over the weekend. Have you heard of it? It's the biopic about the prodigy composer Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys who has bipolar disorder with auditory hallucinations.

I was mesmerized by the film and suddenly my head was filled with things I wanted to write about, things I wanted to create, things I wanted to say, wanting to enter a dialogue with others to have an exchange of ideas. All these things want to come out.

And frankly, I'm afraid.

My mother wants me in a controlled, peaceful environment when I write. To be disciplined. Say, do laundry and dust, write for an hour, and then cook dinner. Folks it doesn't work that way. I can get a little frenzied when I write particularly when I have had blocks for long periods of time. I don't know when they will come back again.

Fortunately my husband is behind me 100%.  He wants me to let go and ride the creative wave wherever it takes me. What I am envisioning is blending my writing with pieces of my art and links to songs that underscore what I am relaying.

They also say write about what you know, and in my case that is psychosis and I really want to provide a good "picture" of it. It's almost impossible to truly understand psychosis unless you have gone through it. And that I have -- many times. I've been through it and spit out on the other side, frightened, disoriented, drugged, dead to the world. I'm tired of trying to repress the memories of it.

Tomorrow I am taking Mom to my therapist to talk about this important window of opportunity that has opened. She's afraid I'll get sick again. I don't agree. I'm glad we have a safe environment to calmly discuss next steps.

I'm so happy to be blogging again. Thanks Brian Wilson for the inspiration.

Temper Tantrum

"They" say God only gives you what he thinks you can handle. If so, he must think me capable of handling a lot. I've been sleeping for days, weeks it seems, and my head feels like lead. My eyes hurt too. Medicine related? A result of too much sleep? Both? Neither? Oh, I hate this disease. I hate it!

My body is blubbery, even though I am losing weight. I can't stand it. I won't look at myself in the mirror because I know I'll be disgusted by what I see. Why does my husband stay with me? How can he love this wretched creature I have become?

Let's not forget I've been fired from my job. I haven't given this much thought because I've been rehabbing (and sleeping). What in the hell! I put five years into that place. I am a good, solid worker. But I had two episodes during the course of my employment and that disrupted things. Yet again, my disease has rendered me unemployable. Probably for good this time. What am I going to do? I'm a shitty housekeeper. I want to work! But I keep getting fired. My ego can't take this!

I feel like things are crumbling around me. But I must keep up a brave face because no one wants to hear about a loser -- they want to see winners, people beating back their illnesses, overcoming their disabilities. That's what makes the nightly news, right? Not some unemployed bum like me.

Now, I can descend into a real big pity party quite easily. But I'm guessing you don't want to read about that. No, we need to be thinking about ways I can navigate through this toxic wasteland of depression. I'm writing this, so I guess that's good. I talked to Mom and my husband on the phone. I'm going to get dressed. I am going to attempt to cook dinner. That's enough. Small steps.

God, help me through this depressive cycle. Help Dr. Z find the right medicine for me. I want to smile again.

Bed Head

Good evening. I've been in bed for hours and hours...I think I've slept 16 of the past 24 hours. It certainly seems like I am depressed -- I only stay in bed like this when the dark monster has me in its grips. And I don't want to shower and I have no appetite. Is this depression -- and is the Latuda to blame?

Yes, I do have bipolar disorder and that means one swings from the poles of depression and mania. But Dr. Z's med prescription for me always kept me out of depression. Dr. Blair (at the hospital) suggested the Latuda for my psychosis and depression. Who is right?? Folks, I don't like this. Stop the ride, I want to get off!

I can imagine you are probably utterly confused by all of this, because I certainly can't make heads or tails of it myself. I have an appointment with Dr. Z in two days and I am going to put myself in his hands to sort through this situation. I cling to the Latuda because it is helping me lose weight, but these side effects -- particularly the depression-like symptoms -- are intolerable.

Let's back up and let me list my meds that I take to keep me stable. I have Bipolar Type 1 with psychotic features:

1. Mood stabilizers (Depakote, Lamictal)
2. Anti-psychotics (Latuda, Haldol)
3. Anti-depressant (Latuda, 10 mg. Lexapro)
4. Anti-anxiety (Ativan)
5. Thyroid medication (Synthroid)

My "pattern" is 3-4 years of stability followed by a horrible manic episode in the summer. Repeat. Will I always have this pattern? No matter what med cocktail I am taking? Oh, who knows. My weight goes up and down and it's so very frustrating. I want to be a positive, uplifting person spreading happiness and here I am in a smelly nightgown.

It's my hope Dr. Z can get me relief. If we phase out the Latuda, so be it. I'll take the weight issue over this depression -- any day.

Cheer Up Charlie

Let's start today with a song:

(From Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)

Cheer up, Charlie
Give me a smile
What happened to the smile I used to know
Don't you know your grin has always
Been my sunshine;
Let that sunshine show...

Come on, Charlie
No need to frown
Deep down you know tomorrow is your toy...

When the days get heavy
Never pitter patter
Up and at'em boy

Some day, sweet as a song
Charlie's lucky day will come along
Till that day
You've got to stay strong Charlie
Up on top is right where you belong

Look up, Charlie
You'll see a star
Just follow it and keep your dreams in view
Pretty soon the sky is going to clear up
Charlie,
Cheer up Charlie, do
Cheer up Charlie
Just be glad you're you.

* * *

Up at 4:30 a.m. this morning. Darn Latuda. I came downstairs and started the coffee and popped in a piece of nicotene gum. Sometimes I like being up before dawn -- but this is more frustrating right now. What happens is I get very tired around 9:00 a.m. and need to nap the whole morning. Oh well. I have the time to do so.

I am today going to focus on some positives in my life. Get my chin up. Most importantly, I've got a roof over my head and food in my belly. Thanks God for that. Next, I've got a loving, caring, patient, loyal husband. Family as well. I have friends waiting for me when I'm ready to reach out. I'm not in mania right now.

I found a wonderful group of people with Bipolar Disorder on Facebook. It's called "Bipolar Sanctuary." People from all over the world are there. I have found my "kin" and I'm thrilled about it. I use Facebook quite a bit now. I feel most comfortable communicating through it.

I talked with my Mom about going to the art museum today but I think I am going to postpone that for another day. Just a little too much stimulus for me right now. I also think I'm going to have problems seeing movies. Just watching television is challenging for me. It "hurts" to watch -- kinda hard to explain. My eyes get squinty and my head starts to hurt. I get squirrely and want to leave the room. But I can control my television exposure so that's good.

Cheer up, Melissa. It's another day of recovery and you've got the time and space to do so. Pretty soon the sky will clear up. Just be glad you're you.

Sacked

Well, I've waited a few days to share this with everyone. I've been fired and I'm pretty embarrassed about the whole thing. Not angry -- maybe that comes later. Might it be I'm relieved? Or that I expected it given all the leave I requested this year and the two hospitalizations?

Come to think of it, I've been fired from every job I've had since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I don't want to pursue legal options so don't suggest that. It would stress me out too much and I'm too ashamed and I just want the experiences behind me.

I am seriously considering hanging up my working hat and focusing on staying at home. Staying stable. I just can't handle these hospitalizations every 3 years. We haven't pursued this strategy before. I'm very proud and I wanted to keep working despite the diagnosis and the medications and the concerns about stress. But let's get honest: I'm disabled.

I'll share a secret I'm also ashamed of: I receive federal disability insurance (SSDI). I'll continue to receive that. It's not much but it helps with monthly bills. My family subsidizes us too. What a sorry state of affairs this is!

But I know from my interactions with others sharing my illness that my story is all too familiar. I've got a husband who works and no children to support. We make it on his salary and money from our parents. Things could be so much worse and I count my blessings. The more I think about it, just focusing on running my household makes more sense. It's not something I prefer, but something I find I'll be doing  (by default).

I haven't let my husband know of my intention to leave the workforce. I'm going to wait a few weeks. I don't think he'll be mad -- just disappointed and probably sad for me. I don't like dwelling on the negative in these posts so I'll end here. Blue skies will come eventually. They always do.

Baby Steps

Up very early every morning. That's the one problem with Latuda: you don't sleep very well in these initial weeks. I take an Ativan to try and get sleepy again. I get frustrated that I must take all these pills but that's a part of my life now.

I was invited to go out with some friends two nights ago, but declined as I always do. I get tired easily; I don't like crowds; I live like a hermit now. It's not that I want to be this way -- I just feel most comfortable living like this.

I wonder if other people with bipolar illness are like this? I know depressives don't want anyone around and strongly medicated folks in mania can't really function too well. Sure, you've probably seen manic people with bipolar dancing off the walls but I'm guessing they are not taking their meds or tinkering with them.

I have been driving out to my Mother's house every day and spending time with her. I know I should make some effort to go out, preferably showering beforehand. I managed to take a shower Friday (it's Sunday) and it was an effort, to be sure. But I am hopeful as my body adjusts to these new meds I will get some energy back.

It's a beautiful Fall day and I think I am going to put a coat on and try to go for a walk. Some of the swelling has gone down and I can walk without pain, though I did break my toe 2 weeks ago. That still hurts. I feel like I'm just one big downer today...no, none of that!!! I'm taking my Baby Steps of recovery from the hospitalizations and the horrible mania this past summer.

Let's leave things here on a positive note. I'm home, it's pretty outside, my family and friends love me. That's a lot to be grateful for these days.