Spring Has Sprung

Spring has come to our corner of the world, and the weather is warming up. I am starting to perk up more; it's helping that I have almost completely cut out taking the Simply Sleep at night because I now feel more alert during the day and I like that. When Dr. Levy told me I had to stop the Simply Sleep before he'd consider reducing the Risperdol I was initially upset but now I fully understand his reasoning. He wants to see how truly drugged out I am--which I can tell you I am without a doubt. It's just a little less drugged but drugged nonetheless.

With Spring comes the expected Spring cleaning, something I struggle mightily with. I hope my husband can find me some help. I'm just too overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done. I've checked with other bipolars and they have this problem too. I can keep the kitchen clean, for the most part, but that's it. Yes, I definitely need a cleaning service to help.

I'm going to cling to Spring because I don't like what follows--summer with temperatures in the 90s. It's horrible for me, I don't do well in the heat, a side effect of my meds. I don't like to be outside at all, and cooking in the kitchen gets unpleasant. No, let's not think about summer! Let's enjoy Spring while it's here.

All in all I am doing okay. Wonder what my purpose is, and other mid-life crisis stuff but for the most  part I'm just taking it One Day At A Time. I'm blessed that I don't have to work, no stress to deal with and make me sick. Things could be much, much worse. Right now all I want is my Risperdol reduced  but I must be patient. I'll try.

Boredom...

Lately I have started to feel bored with my daily routine; wondering what am I doing with my life, maybe I should be doing more. My week is fairly simple: Tuesday and Friday mornings I have water exercise with Mom; Thursday morning I have tai chi followed by talk therapy and a massage.   Mondays and Wednesdays are free. I do my cooking every afternoon for the evening meal. Weekends I cook brunch and dinner.

I am left feeling I should be doing more--more housework, maybe a volunteer job, something, anything. Instead I spend hours scrolling through Facebook on my iPad. Granted, it calms me, keeps me stable. I wouldn't necessarily say I'm addicted to Facebook--it is just something to occupy the time in between my activities.

My husband is encouraging me to read more, but as I indicated in an earlier post I have great difficulty reading books. I stopped listening to audiobooks I'm not sure why. I think I am in a funk. Spring is on the horizon and that means clean up...something I struggle with. But I am committed this year to clean up the outside of the house. Bagging leaves, cleaning up the porch. I get tired easily but I am going to push through.

I suppose I should be grateful that I don't have to work and my husband takes care of us with his investment income. But lately I have been bored. I need more activities. Maybe it is a good sign that I am bored, maybe this will push me to expand my horizons. We'll see what happens. I want change!

Setting Goals: High School Reunion

A big goal I have set for myself this year is going to my 35th High School reunion. I have stayed away from reunions in the past, either sick or too overwhelmed and ashamed of my mental illness. But this year I am feeling good and somewhat confident enough to gather with my classmates for the festivities.

The reunion is at the end of April, so I have some time yet to prepare. I went to an all-girls school with 45 in my class; probably about 25 or so will come. We have a photograph taken on Friday then a brunch at one of my classmate's house on Saturday. I have made arrangements to go to the Friday activity with a classmate I trust, because I am very nervous about going back to the school, the Columbus School for Girls.

Part of the reason this is so hard for me is I am so very different from the Missy that my classmates know from high school. I used to be very outgoing and confident, high energy, creative, such a zest for life. Today I am very introverted, very flat, I don't talk much. My meds are responsible for some of this, but also I have been hospitalized so many times that I have been impacted negatively. I am, however, hoping that as I have more time stable under Dr. Levy's care my self confidence will build.

Another thing that will be hard is I am going through the weekend completely sober. The photo session on Friday is accompanied by a cocktail party and that will be challenging. Then there may be some classmates who want to go out and celebrate and I have to say no to that. But I talked to my mom and she will be available by phone to talk me through tough spots and my husband will be at home waiting for me with open arms.

I guess I need to not overthink this reunion. Just go and have a good time. Find out what classmates are doing. I'm nervous but I've got my therapy sessions to talk it through and my mom to listen when I call. It's going to be okay. I might even have fun!

Pot and Bipolar

I found myself really tested last week when a friend offered to buy me pot to help me laugh more. I do so hate being flat from the Risperdol and God knows I smoked a lot of weed over the past years, trying to combat the side effects of my meds.

But two years ago my husband and I gave up pot and alcohol--we now are completely sober and I have been episode-free and out of the hospital. I know in my heart of hearts that as a bipolar type 1 with psychotic features pot in particular is just not good for me. I have to give it up.

I'm sad about this, kinda angry at times, and I even found myself agreeing with my friend that I did need pot, before coming to my senses and telling her no, don't get it for me. I did some research on Google and found quite a few bipolars use weed, so I'm not alone in wanting it. But as an alcoholic in recovery, I have no business doing mood-altering substances. Period.

I also have two times I remember where I was smoking a lot of pot and went psychotic. Bad psychosis. No, all the evidence is there that pot is a no-go for me. I have to be honest that I am very envious of those who can use weed safely. I wish it was like that for me. I am hoping that the more time I have sober I will not miss it as much. I am hoping that I will learn to laugh naturally. Will this come in time?

Now I believe if my Risperdol is lowered I will become more animated again. I'm still at 4 mg/day and Dr. Levy is conservative and holding me here for the time being. I want to get down to 2 mg but I know from past experience not to tinker with my meds. I must follow instructions and be patient. It's so hard. Dr. Levy would never approve of me smoking pot, and might refuse to treat me if I did. I cannot risk losing him as my psychiatrist, he's the best in Columbus. No, no pot for me.

So I will move forward in my sobriety, day by day. It's nice having a clear head. I have my daily activities and cooking to enjoy. This is a new me. I am maturing. We'll see where I end up. At peace, I hope. I hope.

Monkey Mind

I found another audiobook, a memoir about anxiety called, "Monkey Mind." You know, I think I have to be careful with all this exposure to mental illness literature. Why am I not listening to the other audiobooks I have, "Winesburg, Ohio" or "Lady Chatterly's Lover?" I find I am just getting worked up and triggered and I'm sitting here wondering if I will ever be normal again.

As far as I can understand it, I had that horrible period of three hospitalizations in 2016-2017, and the psychosis that lasted nine months and I am just not the same. I don't know when I am going to pull out of this; and I'm trying to put on a strong front but dear readers, I'm mush inside. I'm an anxious mess, I worry about everything. I never used to be this way I don't think, but then again my memory is toast because of the ECT in 2016 and my meds. Well, it's not completely toast--I'm catastrophizing as most with bad anxiety do.

I've got to make a commitment to myself to seek out gentler, softer reading. It pisses me off that I need to be much more cognizant of potential triggers these days--I berate myself for not being stronger, more centered, more comfortable in my skin. But I'm a wreck. Thank God my mother talked me through a bad period of anxiety this morning. If I can just talk it through, it really helps. Mom understands so well because she has terrible anxiety. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I just want to understand this anxiety, understand my Monkey Mind, and get the tools for bringing it under control. I have several anxiety audiobooks to listen to, if I can handle it. This whole thing is frustrating and overwhelming. I curse the Gods for giving me bipolar and anxiety to handle. It's a lot. Why do I have to be positive? Why do I have to keep fighting? Sigh...it's a tough time right now.

Limitations and Warning Signs

Well, I have gotten so intrigued by Marya Hornbacher, and wanting to know more about her, that I located her Facebook page and spent most of the day scrolling through years worth of posts...I didn't get to what really needed my attention--two days worth of dirty dishes--until late this afternoon. Keep in mind I am a gourmet cook and I use a LOT of dishes...the house is a mess, but at least I can count on keeping the kitchen clean. These dishes must be done. Period.

And now I'm juiced up and want to write like Mayra, so I wanted to rush here and start plowing ahead....Melissa. Just. Slow. Down.

Take your evening meds. (Check.) Double check pill dispenser to make sure you got everything for the day. (Check. The other day I overlooked my Risperdol and a Gabapentin--they got wedged in a compartment and they are white like the pill container so I didn't notice.) Nothing, I repeat nothing is more important than taking my meds. On time.

Let's just slow down here and take an honest assessment of things. I am on some very powerful medication making household chores, let alone writing, very, very difficult. It takes a yeomans effort just to get those damn dishes done, sheets changed, laundry done, hell taking a shower. I need to keep things simple, my sanity depends on it.

The dream of going back to my writing needs to be put under the microscope of "Let's Get Real." I mean, people I can't read books! Dr. Levy is not going to change my meds, I'm too high risk. How many writers are out there that cannot read?

If you haven't noticed, I'm frustrated, and I want to give up, and I feel like an idiot for thinking I could ever write again. Oh, I don't know what I'm thinking. Sigh. Deep breath. I have limitations. And I don't like it.

Marya and Me

Well, I have finished Marya Hornbacher's "Madness: A Bipolar Life" and I must say it has left me highly motivated to work on my own writing. I found a way to contact her by locating her website on Google and I fired off a kind email asking what meds she was on that enabled her to still read and write. I'm sure she gets tons of email and cannot respond to all of it and I'll never hear back, but boy I wish I did.

Like me, Marya has bipolar type 1 and has been hospitalized numerous times. She is also an alcoholic in recovery. In her book, published in 2007, it said she was on Lamictal and Geodon (among other meds) as the mainstays, plus the anti-depressant Wellbutrin. I was once on the anti-depressant Lexapro when I was under the care of Dr. Zafirides--Dr. Levy has taken me off all anti-depressants, because they lead me into mania.

I doubt Marya is still on the same med-mix today, but she might be. I would just love to talk to her about how she able to read and write while on these meds we must take. I also want to know if she has been able to bring her psychotic manias under control. Was she ever put on Depakote? Risperdol? To be honest, I'm so envious that she can write. I struggle so much. But maybe she is just forcing herself to write something, anything down every day; chiseling away at the block caused by the medicine.

I know I couldn't compose these sentences when I was on the 6 mg Risperdol. It was not until we finally lowered it to 4 mg that things would ease up ever so slightly, so I could come here and begin writing, bit by bit. It's so maddeningly slow. But I do find listening to the Audiobooks so, so helpful. It stimulates my mind, makes me want to write. Which makes me wonder:

Why do I want to write so much? Is this part of the bipolar disorder? The creative passion that so many bipolars have? I think so. I was such an idiot in college, majoring in Government and taking all those classes in Economics. I should have been studying English and taking Creative Writing courses.      I hold a Masters in Public Management. Why? Yes, I did go back and start on a Masters in Journalism with a dream of doing Public Affairs reporting before I had a breakdown and had to pull out. 

I made it to a newspaper and started working as a journalist before the bipolar exploded out. No, it's my humble opinion that bipolars don't belong in the stressful field of the media. Danger, Will Robinson, Danger! Hell, the way the media is going today, no sane person should consider that a viable work option. But I'm rambling here...I'm just pleased that I'm able to do some writing today.

So, I don't know if Mayra will write back but I hope she will. I figured I had nothing to lose by sending an email. Me, I'll keep practicing my writing. One entry at a time.