Much Better

Feeling much better today, though things got a little "dicey" for a stretch there yesterday. No suicidal thoughts right now so I'm grateful for that. Watched pro football with hubby, which is new for me. Years past I had no interest whatsoever with the NFL. But strangely, things have changed.

I am, however, feeling very lonely. My best girlfriend is in California for awhile, and I've distanced myself from others -- solely because I am embarrassed by the way our house looks. But I am very pleased to report that a landscaper is coming Tuesday to give me an estimate for yard clean-up and hubby talked with the maintenance company who will be sending someone over this week. I can't wait!!! Finally, finally we can get the exterior under control.

I see myself needing a good deal of time to recover from this episode. My worry is the mania/delusions are alive and well under the helmet of Seroquel/Haldol. You know how much I want to be free of these meds and the prime reason is they cause obesity. I can barely move without pain. I am praying that Dr. Z puts me on new medication.

My sleep is a little choppy -- went to bed last night around 9:00 p.m.; woke up at 2:00 a.m. and stayed awake until 7:00 a.m.; fell back asleep and woke up around 10:45 a.m. I'm a little disoriented to say the least.

Well, that's all for today. I'm just going to rest.

A Dreaded Dark Day

So here we are, a typical Fall Saturday in Ohio. The sun is out and it's a glorious day. OSU football is on at 6:00 p.m. I don't think I'll be able to cook. I just don't have the energy or creativity right now. This is a direct result from the meds. Can you see now why I hate them so much? Oh, and I am thinking about killing myself. Just thought I'd add that.

Woke up very early (about 5:00 a.m.) and had my coffee then went to the diner. I always feel better when I go to the diner -- why, I do not know. Came home and fell back asleep and had a dream I was racing a car on a track. I was driving a very small car but I was winning the race quite easily. Except a sharp corner suddenly came around and I nearly wiped out.

Hubby will be flying this afternoon so I will have some free time for myself. I may try to walk down to the coffee shop and get iced tea. I don't know if it will become painful to walk. As you know, I've had great difficulty moving in general. I hate my pills for causing my body to balloon up like this. I don't dare weigh myself. That will upset me so much.

I am going to BEG Dr. Z to switch out these meds with something else. I think I would be so very happy if I could be taking something else. Now let's be honest here. The Seroquel/Haldol mix does work. In combination, they keep the delusions/mania controlled. But they make me fat and I can't stand it. I'm so upset. All I can think about is how overweight I am. And how I wish I could start tinkering -- and that's definitely not an option because I'll end up in the loony bin again.

Other developments today are I bought the local newspaper. I haven't read much of it, but it's a start. I am finding television is difficult to watch. There are many reasons for this. I don't want to go into all of them right now. But I'm watching some college football right now. I seem to be okay with that.

I know I need to just let go of the disgust I feel about the way I look. But it's almost impossible. It's just not fair. I'm holding back the tears but it's pretty damn hard. I hate my disorder. I hate my meds. I hate my body. Maybe I hate me.

* * *

Dark day for me indeed. My husband is now home. I told him I was thinking about suicide. I know that he will help me through this rocky time. I know not to keep these feelings locked up inside. Funny, September is Suicide Prevention Month. My timing is impeccable.

I'll sign off here, with a promise that I won't hurt myself. But I do think about it. I loathe clinical depression. God, give me the strength to battle this demon.

Tar Pit

My sadness is still lingering today. I had a massage earlier this week, hoping it might help. So much house cleaning needs to be done that it is absolutely overwhelming. I'm frozen by the sheer mass that needs to be organized. I need some help but I don't know where to turn.

Perhaps I will call my sister to come over and help me. No, I don't want to burden her with this. I think I need my mother. Someone, anyone to help me. Perhaps I am biting off too much here. I am barely two weeks out of the hospital. This is rehab time. I need to slow down. Focus on getting better.

I am waiting for the maintenance company to call me back so we can start the work on the exterior of our home. I may have to call them again. Perhaps they don't want to do business with us? I'm not sure why no one called us back to schedule an appointment. As you know, the work on the exterior is tied to the work on the interior. Once we get the ball rolling on the outside I will be motivated to do the inside. Why don't they call me back?

I am wondering if the depression is tied to my current med cocktail. Perhaps I am taking a dosage that keeps me too low, not neutral. I don't see Dr. Z until late next week, so I'll have to hang in there and gut this out.  I don't like the depression at all. I don't want to shower or brush my teeth; moving around is difficult; I want to eat to feel better.

I'm wishing I could relay more uplifting news to you. But right now I'm really low. My Mom did get me a wonderful fleece purple robe and that arrived yesterday. I'm wearing it now and it's wonderful. My husband is cleaning up the kitchen and making breakfast and that makes me happy. He took a FMLA day which he deserves and needs because he is my caretaker and there's a big weight on his shoulders.

I pray that Dr. Z finds some way to get me off the Seroquel and Haldol. I know he doesn't want to change things because I'm stable now and my past tinkering put me in the nut hut. He's taking a conservative approach. It's just that these meds keep me depressed, fat and numb. I'm frightened to read any newspapers or books. I do like seeing the Facebook posts from my friends and people/things that interest me. But I'm not living. I'm a zombie.

Today is Friday and I am going to try and make it a more enjoyable one. I am going to take a shower and brush my teeth. That's progress. I think that's pretty much all I can do right now. I guess this is okay. I'm just so sad.

The Cheese Stands Alone

I'm feeling sad and lonely today. My husband is threatening to take away my car keys if I keep going to the breakfast diner in the morning to get my meal. It's become a highlight of my day -- I don't think he has any clue how much it means to me. He makes me feel trapped. Like I am still in the nut hut.

I am also thinking about work and how my job is now a trigger for possible psychosis. If this is indeed the case, I cannot continue to work there, which is my sneaking suspicion. My husband will probably be angry about that too. And what about the work I am going to do on the exterior of the house? He doesn't want to "waste" money and fails to understand why I must have these things done in order to stay sane.

I know I have placed a burden on him. But I have fought my way through this mental illness, put a lot of effort in making sure I am not a drag on him. He is fortunate to have me, in many, many ways. He rarely tells me that, needing prompting on my part.

I think we need to start couple's counseling. My therapist said he would be willing to see us both, and I am going to make this happen. I'm unhappy and heck, he probably is too. But I'm going to fight to save our marriage. We've suffered the past  12 years with my bipolar disorder and still stayed intact. This is a miracle in some respects. He could have left me in the dust, but hasn't. I love him so very much and I don't know what I'd do without him. It scares me to think about it.

There are many things I would like to share with him. Such as why I drive around, compelled to see all the changes happening in Columbus. Why buying certain things at certain places puts me at ease. Why I need to get massages regularly because I have searing back pain and neck and shoulder muscles that are so tense they feel like iron.

I think his ultra-frugality comes into conflict with my more "looser" use of money. But dammit, I've cut my spending way down since I met him. Why doesn't he see this?

I'm so sad this morning. I wish my day didn't start this way. I wish he'd just let me be when I wake up at 5:30 a.m. and want to get my breakfast. Maybe if he sees this post he will stop trying to control me. But most likely, this will not be the case. This relationship needs professional help. And I'll try to get the ball rolling as soon as possible.

A Slow Recovery

Met with Dr. Z earlier this week -- my first meeting with him since I was released from the nuthouse. We are going to leave the daily dose of Seroquel (600 mg) and Haldol (10 mg) intact, despite my longing that these meds are switched out. He said we can revisit my "med cocktail" at our next meeting in 2 weeks.

I am frustrated.

I have been sleeping very, very deeply and had an accident in the bed the other night. Too zoned out to wake up to go pee, and I wet the bed. This is so embarrassing  to talk about, but I know it's not my fault. This happened twice in the loony bin. I feel ashamed that I apparently cannot trust my bladder, although I didn't have an accident last night. Hopefully it will not happen again...

My husband had the car today so I began trying to organize the mess around here. It's hard to follow through on my household tasks. I hung up some of the new clothes I bought -- my size keeps changing i.e. going upward -- and bagged things to go to the Salvation Army. I know if I can get things cleaned up and organized I can think more clearly.

But for now, I am moving very, very slowly. Although I am in a rush to get everything picked up, to overcome 12 years of dealing with my bipolar disorder, I must be patient. And this is so very hard for me.

I want to let you know I did have a breakthrough with the phone: I am checking messages and answering calls. I also have started reading the local newspaper. Not all of it. Just a little bit. I stay away from newspapers out of fear that I will go nuts and start sending gibberish to them. I've done this in the past. I haven't read a newspaper in years. But I'd like to try now.

All in all, this has been a very strange trip. A magical mystery tour. Well, maybe not magical. It's been 5 months of trying to cap the mania. My longest manic episode to date.But i'm tough, wearing my "Women of Steel" button. You know I'm a survivor.

Recovery: Preparing For Battle

I've been out of the loony bin for a little over a week. I sleep a lot these days and household chores seem insurmountable. I know I need to get my immediate environment under control -- that helps tremendously as I rehab at home. But I realize I cannot do this on my own, so my Mother is going to come over and help.

There is much exterior work to be done on our home. It was built in 1906 and as with all of these older homes, upkeep is never-ending. I'm going to bring in a maintenance company to help with some big jobs and then a landscaper to do clean-up and mulching. I also am going to bring the house cleaners back in for cleaning inside (as much as they can).

My attempts to read have been futile lately. I'm just too scared I will read something and misinterpret it and go manic again. What I would like is someone to read to me the important stories. I'm so upset that I have this obstacle. I don't even want to listen to NPR, which is so disappointing.

This episode has been so very strange -- all of the others pretty much fizzled out after a few months. No, this one continues on, regardless of the meds. I think I may have to just dig deep and find my coping skills to get through this post-nut hut rehab.

My weight is a huge issue for me. It's not just the way I look -- and the embarrassment I feel -- but also I am physically challenged. I get a searing pain across the bottom of my back when I walk. I take Aleve but that doesn't really help. I am 48 years old and probably should be using a walker. Can you believe this? I can't and I won't get one. I refuse to get one. 

I know the Seroquel and Haldol meds are the culprits. I am going to beg Dr. Z to wean me off of them and replace them with something else. There is a new med called Letuda (sp?) that we discussed. It's a brand new drug and I will be a guinea pig. But at this juncture, I don't care. Even if it means I go back to the hospital.

I'm trying to keep my spirits up, despite the obstacles I face. I'm a tough old bird. This is hard though. I guess there's nowhere to go but up...

Back To The Nut Hut

Well, deep sigh. I am back dear readers after a one week stay in a local nut hut.We were trying to avoid sending me to the hospital, but alas, this was not to be the case. I'll elaborate, but I first want to share with you the last blog post I composed before I was hospitalized. I didn't put it online before.

* * *

I'm going to post the lyrics of the song "I'm Free" by The Who on the album "Tommy" to express how I feel today:

"I'M FREE- I'm free,
And freedom tastes of reality,
I'm free-I'm free,
AN' I'm waiting for you to follow me.

If I told you what it takes
to reach the highest high,
You'd laugh and say 'nothing's that simple'
But you've been told many times before
Messiahs pointed to the door
And no one had the guts to leave the temple!

I'm free-I'm free
And freedom tastes of reality
I'm free-I'm free
And I'm waiting for you to follow me.

[Chorus:]

How can we follow?
How can we follow?"


Apologies for my absence. I've been in a Haldol haze which blessedly has been lifted recently. I am easing off this med and suddenly I have energy and can think clearly and I am planning for our road trip to Vermont in a few days. My memory of this summer is basically shot, unless I read over past blog posts. My excessive weight is a visual reminder that I have been through hell but I'm now going to turn the corner.

This has been one hell of a summer. By my estimation, I've been in a manic state for three months, tempered by strong medicine to keep it capped. Soon memories of this will float into my subconscious (I think).

* * *

Why was I hospitalized? Well, I was "tinkering" with my med cocktail -- specifically cutting back the Seroquel and Haldol -- without doctor's orders. I am a butterball, and I hate the way I look and feel. These meds cause obesity and I want to be off of them.

Of course this led to disaster. I ended up hyper-ventilating, and suicidal thoughts raced through my head. I barely made it to The Ohio State University Emergency Room before collapsing at the entrance -- I had to be put in a wheel chair and was transported to a cramped, dark room in a separate area. This of course made matters worse. I was there for over six hours -- the exact amount of time I don't know.

My beloved sister came right away to sit with me, staying until they transported me via ambulance to a new loony bin in Northwest Columbus. I want to say that it was a wonderful facility. Of all the nut huts I have been in this was the best. It was clean and spacious and they allowed us to go outside several times during the day. I made some good friends, and started reading the newspaper again -- a big accomplishment,

I had to put myself in the "seclusion room" a few times so I could scream dirty words or just talk out loud to myself. Even though this might sound strange, it calmed me down. I stayed for one week, which I think was a good period of time. I didn't fight it at all.

So I'm at home now, rehabilitating to the best of my ability. I have purchased Cliff Notes for Dante's Inferno and Homer's Ulysses. I want to read these works but I need things condensed and easier to understand. The books were mentioned by a friend I met and I am putting them on a "must read" list for myself. I know these are challenging books but I want to tackle them.

Mentally, I feel good, feel clear-headed right now. I am worried about the hospital bill, but we have insurance. I am worried about the lost income we have as a result of me not working, but I think family members may be able to help me out. In the meantime, there is much work to be done around the house and I am going to start working on things.

My Mom is going to come over to help me bag up clothes for Salvation Army. This will help reduce the clutter and get me more organized. Next I plan on getting the carpet and couch cleaned, which will help with the smell of the Basset Hounds. I am going to bring the cleaners in again to get this place smelling and looking better. I am thinking I schedule them for once a month.

There is also work to be done on the exterior of the house and Mom is paying for that. I am making an appointment for us to meet with the Superior Home Maintenance to paint the foundation outside, finish off the deck, locate a leak on the roof, and hopefully replace the gutters. I don't know how much this will cost. I have a budget to work within and I am going to try and meet that. One thing is for sure: When we get these projects done I will feel so much better. A huge load on my shoulders will be lifted.

The work on the exterior of the house is tied to the work I need to do in the interior. I've been "frozen" from doing interior work because I am so upset by how the exterior is crumbling. I have tried to explain this to my husband, but I don't think he understands. Nevertheless, I am moving forward to get these things done. I need to figure out a way to talk with him calmly and rationally. I know his ego is tied to the deck. But he just doesn't have time to finish it, now that he is working on his pilot's license.

I also think he doesn't want work done on the house because he doesn't want to be "tied down" to the property i.e. does not want to sink money into a place he might leave someday. But as of this moment, I know I'm not leaving anytime soon, and even if I were, these projects must be done in order to sell. I wish my husband felt the same way. I wish he understood why we need to work on the house. I wish he wanted to take pride in ownership. But I cannot change him, no matter how hard I try.

So here's where I stand this morning. Fall is here and it's chilly outside. I love the Fall. I'm moving forward slowly. And I'm glad I'm writing again. This is a real sign of progress.