The Cheese Stands Alone

I'm feeling sad and lonely today. My husband is threatening to take away my car keys if I keep going to the breakfast diner in the morning to get my meal. It's become a highlight of my day -- I don't think he has any clue how much it means to me. He makes me feel trapped. Like I am still in the nut hut.

I am also thinking about work and how my job is now a trigger for possible psychosis. If this is indeed the case, I cannot continue to work there, which is my sneaking suspicion. My husband will probably be angry about that too. And what about the work I am going to do on the exterior of the house? He doesn't want to "waste" money and fails to understand why I must have these things done in order to stay sane.

I know I have placed a burden on him. But I have fought my way through this mental illness, put a lot of effort in making sure I am not a drag on him. He is fortunate to have me, in many, many ways. He rarely tells me that, needing prompting on my part.

I think we need to start couple's counseling. My therapist said he would be willing to see us both, and I am going to make this happen. I'm unhappy and heck, he probably is too. But I'm going to fight to save our marriage. We've suffered the past  12 years with my bipolar disorder and still stayed intact. This is a miracle in some respects. He could have left me in the dust, but hasn't. I love him so very much and I don't know what I'd do without him. It scares me to think about it.

There are many things I would like to share with him. Such as why I drive around, compelled to see all the changes happening in Columbus. Why buying certain things at certain places puts me at ease. Why I need to get massages regularly because I have searing back pain and neck and shoulder muscles that are so tense they feel like iron.

I think his ultra-frugality comes into conflict with my more "looser" use of money. But dammit, I've cut my spending way down since I met him. Why doesn't he see this?

I'm so sad this morning. I wish my day didn't start this way. I wish he'd just let me be when I wake up at 5:30 a.m. and want to get my breakfast. Maybe if he sees this post he will stop trying to control me. But most likely, this will not be the case. This relationship needs professional help. And I'll try to get the ball rolling as soon as possible.