Recovery: Preparing For Battle

I've been out of the loony bin for a little over a week. I sleep a lot these days and household chores seem insurmountable. I know I need to get my immediate environment under control -- that helps tremendously as I rehab at home. But I realize I cannot do this on my own, so my Mother is going to come over and help.

There is much exterior work to be done on our home. It was built in 1906 and as with all of these older homes, upkeep is never-ending. I'm going to bring in a maintenance company to help with some big jobs and then a landscaper to do clean-up and mulching. I also am going to bring the house cleaners back in for cleaning inside (as much as they can).

My attempts to read have been futile lately. I'm just too scared I will read something and misinterpret it and go manic again. What I would like is someone to read to me the important stories. I'm so upset that I have this obstacle. I don't even want to listen to NPR, which is so disappointing.

This episode has been so very strange -- all of the others pretty much fizzled out after a few months. No, this one continues on, regardless of the meds. I think I may have to just dig deep and find my coping skills to get through this post-nut hut rehab.

My weight is a huge issue for me. It's not just the way I look -- and the embarrassment I feel -- but also I am physically challenged. I get a searing pain across the bottom of my back when I walk. I take Aleve but that doesn't really help. I am 48 years old and probably should be using a walker. Can you believe this? I can't and I won't get one. I refuse to get one. 

I know the Seroquel and Haldol meds are the culprits. I am going to beg Dr. Z to wean me off of them and replace them with something else. There is a new med called Letuda (sp?) that we discussed. It's a brand new drug and I will be a guinea pig. But at this juncture, I don't care. Even if it means I go back to the hospital.

I'm trying to keep my spirits up, despite the obstacles I face. I'm a tough old bird. This is hard though. I guess there's nowhere to go but up...