A Dreaded Dark Day

So here we are, a typical Fall Saturday in Ohio. The sun is out and it's a glorious day. OSU football is on at 6:00 p.m. I don't think I'll be able to cook. I just don't have the energy or creativity right now. This is a direct result from the meds. Can you see now why I hate them so much? Oh, and I am thinking about killing myself. Just thought I'd add that.

Woke up very early (about 5:00 a.m.) and had my coffee then went to the diner. I always feel better when I go to the diner -- why, I do not know. Came home and fell back asleep and had a dream I was racing a car on a track. I was driving a very small car but I was winning the race quite easily. Except a sharp corner suddenly came around and I nearly wiped out.

Hubby will be flying this afternoon so I will have some free time for myself. I may try to walk down to the coffee shop and get iced tea. I don't know if it will become painful to walk. As you know, I've had great difficulty moving in general. I hate my pills for causing my body to balloon up like this. I don't dare weigh myself. That will upset me so much.

I am going to BEG Dr. Z to switch out these meds with something else. I think I would be so very happy if I could be taking something else. Now let's be honest here. The Seroquel/Haldol mix does work. In combination, they keep the delusions/mania controlled. But they make me fat and I can't stand it. I'm so upset. All I can think about is how overweight I am. And how I wish I could start tinkering -- and that's definitely not an option because I'll end up in the loony bin again.

Other developments today are I bought the local newspaper. I haven't read much of it, but it's a start. I am finding television is difficult to watch. There are many reasons for this. I don't want to go into all of them right now. But I'm watching some college football right now. I seem to be okay with that.

I know I need to just let go of the disgust I feel about the way I look. But it's almost impossible. It's just not fair. I'm holding back the tears but it's pretty damn hard. I hate my disorder. I hate my meds. I hate my body. Maybe I hate me.

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Dark day for me indeed. My husband is now home. I told him I was thinking about suicide. I know that he will help me through this rocky time. I know not to keep these feelings locked up inside. Funny, September is Suicide Prevention Month. My timing is impeccable.

I'll sign off here, with a promise that I won't hurt myself. But I do think about it. I loathe clinical depression. God, give me the strength to battle this demon.