Well, deep sigh. I am back dear readers after a one week stay in a local nut hut.We were trying to avoid sending me to the hospital, but alas, this was not to be the case. I'll elaborate, but I first want to share with you the last blog post I composed before I was hospitalized. I didn't put it online before.
* * *
I'm going to post the lyrics of the song "I'm Free" by The Who on the album "Tommy" to express how I feel today:
"I'M FREE- I'm free,
And freedom tastes of reality,
I'm free-I'm free,
AN' I'm waiting for you to follow me.
If I told you what it takes
to reach the highest high,
You'd laugh and say 'nothing's that simple'
But you've been told many times before
Messiahs pointed to the door
And no one had the guts to leave the temple!
I'm free-I'm free
And freedom tastes of reality
I'm free-I'm free
And I'm waiting for you to follow me.
[Chorus:]
How can we follow?
How can we follow?"
Apologies for my absence. I've been in a Haldol haze which blessedly has been lifted recently. I am easing off this med and suddenly I have energy and can think clearly and I am planning for our road trip to Vermont in a few days. My memory of this summer is basically shot, unless I read over past blog posts. My excessive weight is a visual reminder that I have been through hell but I'm now going to turn the corner.
This has been one hell of a summer. By my estimation, I've been in a manic state for three months, tempered by strong medicine to keep it capped. Soon memories of this will float into my subconscious (I think).
* * *
Why was I hospitalized? Well, I was "tinkering" with my med cocktail -- specifically cutting back the Seroquel and Haldol -- without doctor's orders. I am a butterball, and I hate the way I look and feel. These meds cause obesity and I want to be off of them.
Of course this led to disaster. I ended up hyper-ventilating, and suicidal thoughts raced through my head. I barely made it to The Ohio State University Emergency Room before collapsing at the entrance -- I had to be put in a wheel chair and was transported to a cramped, dark room in a separate area. This of course made matters worse. I was there for over six hours -- the exact amount of time I don't know.
My beloved sister came right away to sit with me, staying until they transported me via ambulance to a new loony bin in Northwest Columbus. I want to say that it was a wonderful facility. Of all the nut huts I have been in this was the best. It was clean and spacious and they allowed us to go outside several times during the day. I made some good friends, and started reading the newspaper again -- a big accomplishment,
I had to put myself in the "seclusion room" a few times so I could scream dirty words or just talk out loud to myself. Even though this might sound strange, it calmed me down. I stayed for one week, which I think was a good period of time. I didn't fight it at all.
So I'm at home now, rehabilitating to the best of my ability. I have purchased Cliff Notes for Dante's Inferno and Homer's Ulysses. I want to read these works but I need things condensed and easier to understand. The books were mentioned by a friend I met and I am putting them on a "must read" list for myself. I know these are challenging books but I want to tackle them.
Mentally, I feel good, feel clear-headed right now. I am worried about the hospital bill, but we have insurance. I am worried about the lost income we have as a result of me not working, but I think family members may be able to help me out. In the meantime, there is much work to be done around the house and I am going to start working on things.
My Mom is going to come over to help me bag up clothes for Salvation Army. This will help reduce the clutter and get me more organized. Next I plan on getting the carpet and couch cleaned, which will help with the smell of the Basset Hounds. I am going to bring the cleaners in again to get this place smelling and looking better. I am thinking I schedule them for once a month.
There is also work to be done on the exterior of the house and Mom is paying for that. I am making an appointment for us to meet with the Superior Home Maintenance to paint the foundation outside, finish off the deck, locate a leak on the roof, and hopefully replace the gutters. I don't know how much this will cost. I have a budget to work within and I am going to try and meet that. One thing is for sure: When we get these projects done I will feel so much better. A huge load on my shoulders will be lifted.
The work on the exterior of the house is tied to the work I need to do in the interior. I've been "frozen" from doing interior work because I am so upset by how the exterior is crumbling. I have tried to explain this to my husband, but I don't think he understands. Nevertheless, I am moving forward to get these things done. I need to figure out a way to talk with him calmly and rationally. I know his ego is tied to the deck. But he just doesn't have time to finish it, now that he is working on his pilot's license.
I also think he doesn't want work done on the house because he doesn't want to be "tied down" to the property i.e. does not want to sink money into a place he might leave someday. But as of this moment, I know I'm not leaving anytime soon, and even if I were, these projects must be done in order to sell. I wish my husband felt the same way. I wish he understood why we need to work on the house. I wish he wanted to take pride in ownership. But I cannot change him, no matter how hard I try.
So here's where I stand this morning. Fall is here and it's chilly outside. I love the Fall. I'm moving forward slowly. And I'm glad I'm writing again. This is a real sign of progress.
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