So alas, dear reader(s), I’m up at 4:00 a.m. again, to the train horn, and I’m sitting here feeling most restless, irritable and discontent about the early wake up. So let me do something I promised I would do last night, which is start the morning off with a prayer.
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With the pulsatile tinnitus ringing in my ears, I begged for help to turn things over, let Thy Will Not Mine Be Done, and perhaps something new and magical can happen today. I’m so very tired but perhaps I was meant to wake up early today—after all I was having a mighty bizarre dream about eating a large, cold sausage and cream cheese meatball and it didn’t taste good so I was trying to find a microwave in the shop where I bought it…Chip was with me, we were throwing a party and buying soda and beer cases. No wonder I woke up, I know buying alcohol isn’t wise for me. I’m amazed I can even remember this snippet of my dream, as normally I have no recollection of my dreams at all.
I must remember not to call mom all cranky and irritated this morning. It just worries her, then she doesn’t sleep well and that, in turn, worries me. I’m trying to not be so dependent on her, it’s just hard. I get scared and confused and I want her gentle nurturing—but let’s face it, mom isn’t the gentlest creature around, so I probably should be either looking to myself or searching for someone/something else for gentleness. I know my Higher Power is not something I would initially describe as “gentle” but perhaps I need to see my HP in a new light.
Heading off on a tangent, I know I didn’t start experiencing this strange form of tinnitus until around the time I got the Covid vaccine…I did some research and found there was a small group of people who got tinnitus they believed from the vaccine (though none with pulsatile tinnitus like me?). It’s weird, the pulsing just went away—it’s like that, it comes and goes and it drives me nuts. I had my ears examined, had an MRI, nothing was found. But the tinnitus is definitely here.
So I’m probably going to have to switch gears today and really take it easy. I have a meeting with Shawn at noon but otherwise I can probably orchestrate a fairly low-key day. It’s cold in this house, I think temperatures have dropped again in Columbus. I did get in a fairly sour, frustrated mood yesterday when Michael continued to thwart my attempts to arrange a trip somewhere. Why does he refuse to take me anywhere, are we that broke? I know now how to log onto my IRS account to check our tax returns so I can see how much we are making a year, but honestly I’m frightened to know the truth. I think I got extremely close to the truth when in an, erm, “altered state” last October, I looked at my eyes close-up in the downstairs mirror and saw brown and green “Tiger eyes” staring back at me…I’ll never forget that.
Against better judgement, I tried a tentative log in yesterday back on Wastebook and it subsequently proved to be not for me. Yup, people making their liberal political statements inevitably found their way into my feed. I know now that I will most likely be unable to utilize Facebook for at least two years, maybe longer…crossing my fingers that NYT keeps the politics out of the food, though I know that’s a stretch for them. There’s always Food Network, but maybe they are on some mission too, who knows. Where do I belong, I have no idea. I guess it’s just time for me to put myself in my HP’s cupped palms and let him/her/it take me where I’m meant to go.
I know I’m going to be extremely tired today, so here’s to hoping Michael will be open to getting something for dinner. He appears to have lost his McDonald’s gift card, so I don’t know where the food will come from, as I’m fairly confident I’m in no shape to cook. I had been planning a Mushroom Bourguinon but that definitely seems too complicated now. Perhaps come dinner tonight I can muster some energy for some relatively easy NYT recipe? We shall see.
Speaking of NYT, I am working on an art piece marrying NYT Cooking, Warhol, my Marilyn Monroe yellow Dutch oven, and Green Eggs and Ham, Sam I Am. Stay tuned for something extremely provocative to come! I have no idea if anyone will be coming to my art show in May (frankly I have no idea if I can even figure out how to get photos printed from my iPhone) but I do so hope to have some visitors. It’s been far too long that I’ve been here alone, only with Michael and the hounds. Maybe the Puppet Master might make a covert appearance? Look for the owl in the magnolia tree photograph on my porch!
So at least I’m smiling now, having caught a bit of Adam Driver last night in some movie Michael had on while we were eating Samin Nosrat’s Buttermilk Brined Roast Chicken. I did whip up my special recipe of sautéed green beans and mushrooms with thyme and that complimented the chicken, taste-wise, nicely. Yes, I find I am now in very good spirits so perhaps I will check out the 7 a.m. First Things First AA meeting—or do I head directly to the news in my email box (isn’t that what everyone else does and isn’t that the problem)? But of course there is always the “Good News Bible” in my bookshelf (a book carrying a lot of prominence, though obscured by Michael’s painted skull). Note to self: Did Georgia win the championship last night? Probably.
Have a good day all.
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