Well, pre-daybreak, my mood this morning is not so good. I got in a tangle with Michael yesterday afternoon, basically saying again how I felt trapped in this dilapidated house, wanting to free up capital by selling it so we could afford new cars and buy a newer home somewhere else. Michael retorted that if we sell we have to leave the state, which is something I do not emphatically want to do. Then he left to go walking and I called mom, almost in tears, I was so upset. I know what is underlying all my agitation, it’s a) the manipulation of the news; b) all these travel photos and picture-perfect photos of friends making me jealous; c) this feeling my life didn’t turn out the way I wanted and maybe I’m bitter, but no, I’m not allowed to feel that way…
Now maybe this current emotion is just a result of another Ohio January, one of the dreariest months here, along with February and March. Maybe if I can just hold on for awhile things will look better. I guess I have my art projects to do, and maybe Michael and I can go to a few movies together. It’s just he prefers to stay at home all the time, whereas I want to be out doing things. But there is my current disability where I cannot drive the highways so I’m kinda limited where I can go if I want to be back in time to cook dinner. Can you begin to understand then why I am feeling so trapped? I’m remembering during my sickness this last time I felt trapped like I was in a pit in Vietnam with John McCain. It was awful and terrifying. The news has been showing terrible things too and I can’t seem to get away from it. Michael insists on having it on and I have to try and find hiding places to get away from it.
So I’m feeling all this emotion right now. I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m frustrated, I’m jealous, I’m bitter, I’m discontent. Yes, yes, I know where I probably belong right now is the 7:00 a.m. AA meeting but I think instead I’m going to tune in Q-FM for hopefully some levity to get me out of this tarry, tarry night…
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So there’s discussion today about AI, and purported experts trying to assuage all our fears and talk about “benefits” but oh dear readers, let’s not let these paid shills lead us down a path that we don’t want to go down. Remember to always listen to them critically and read between the lines, suss out agendas and always, always never forget who’s in the White House and what they want to accomplish! I’m smiling because all I really want to hear is some bad hair metal bands playing music that speaks to Generation X! See that emotion we Gen Xers understand harks back to smiling, not fear, not scare tactics, not all that crap pushed by video games (was it Tipper Gore who sounded the alarm on X-Box?).
Uh oh: legalization of recreational weed coming to Ohio? What’s worse, liquor or weed? Hmmmmm. I guess if Michael gets his hands on weed, I’m not sure he can moderate his use; me, I’m fairly confident THC triggers psychosis in me. (Though I was triggered by unregulated street weed, high potency.) Marijuana could be a marriage-wrecker for us. Maybe we should indeed flee the state? My rusty reporter’s instinct tells me the government and cops are well aware of the weed-psychosis link but are keeping the studies all under wraps because the greedy legislators want the tax revenue without having to raise sales or income taxes. Thinking of Andi and how her marijuana addiction opened the door to alcoholism and other drug abuse, then her falls and death. Who writes about that?
Death, cops, how winter kills just seems to be on everyone’s minds in the news, so I turned off that chatter and I’m looking out my window at the sunrise. It looks like it’s gonna be sunny today, which is encouraging. I don’t really have a picture-perfect view, but maybe that’s OK for us. The Bassets are here with me, and I have Fetter at 12:30. Then I need to get to Kroger at some point, figure out what I want to cook tonight and over the weekend.I guess it’s just Repititio Est Mater Studiorum and all that jazz. Perhaps I’ll buy a sweet treat at Kroger to elevate my mood?
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