And She Was

Good morning dear reader(s), I come to you after a slow, intriguing waltz with YouTube, ending with reflection over my tombstone moniker of choice, “She Was.” I have wanted this for quite some time, whereas for mom, she desires, “She Tried.” Now, I of course wonder if my selection is grandiose, a word I am starting to despise, as it sounds so ugly to me—but as you may already know I consider myself to be fat and ugly anyways, so maybe grandiose fits. Anyways, back to the tombstone, and maybe my whole grave site, I prefer to be buried intact, in a pine box, with the crest of my last name burned onto the box. Now, I don’t know if this is even possible, but maybe the boys at Schoedinger can figure it out (assuming I’m still in Columbus when I go).

And at the site will be a stone cross, preferably cut out of rock from the Lang outfit down by my Kroger’s, with my name and birth and death dates, and then simply, “She Was.” I don’t know if anyone would come visit my grave, it would probably get overgrown with weeds and the like, but something tells me I would know that I was there, in whatever graveyard was my final resting place (probably Greenlawn Cemetary, if I’m still creeping around close to downtown).

So back to good morning, no more pontificating about death. Michael is up early with me, he’s worrying about his mother, who had problems with her smoke alarm yesterday. The question is coming up again, is she safe in her independent living apartment, but I have to let go and let Michael handle it, she’s not my mother, let my husband figure out the best course of action for her. I know it’s about money, and that whole topic stresses me out, so I’m going to let that go and focus on my tasks for today.

Edwin the cleaner is coming today, so I’ll do my best to tidy up what I can so he has an easier time cleaning around things. I have a Zoom with the YMCA swim group at 11:00 a.m., then I am meeting Arlene for lunch at Fox’s Bagels in Bexley. I’m going to the meeting with an open mind, I’m assuming she will continue to discuss her universal healthcare group, and I will listen to see if I find anything appealing towards my own interest in mental healthcare reform in this state. It always comes down to money, who has it, who doesn’t, and parity and whether or not we all can get equal treatment (and to date, I’m kinda full of doubt).

On my mood front, I’m continuing to have pangs of sadness over Legs, and feelings of irritability over loud people, mostly women I hear in Starbucks, which is unfortunate. I sense there is a deeper insecurity with these gals, how I know is I used to be the exact same way, so I guess maybe what I’m seeing is a mirror of myself and that makes me bristle. I tried to illustrate this in my piece, “Letter To Smith” which I will have on display in May. 

One thing I have noticed is I’m deeply connected to sounds right now, more so than I can ever recall. It feels unsettling at times, other times comforting. Same goes for my vision, my sense of perception is extremely acute right now, and I’m wondering if this will simply relax and pass in time, or whether it is here to stay, on this lower dose of Depakote. I’m kinda feeling my way around, this all feels very new, but as I’ve told you, I have memory impairment, so maybe this extra-sensory perception has been with me in periods past? I’m not sure, I cannot remember what I went through as I was healing from episodes in the past. I don’t though call what I went through last October/November an “episode” but instead an “incident” as I wasn’t really manic, rather deeply anxious and fearful.

I’m finding myself wishing we still had that wonderful group The Bipolar Bears meeting at the church on Wednesday nights. I would love to connect with other bipolars and ask them if they had “incidents” too, triggered by social media or whatever. I guess it’s all about how do we recover, where are the supports, who might possibly get Bipolar Bears up and running again? I know there seems to be problems when you try and mix lower income/homeless with middle/upper class segments in these mental health peer-led support groups, at least that’s what I experienced in my group. I think I will share this with Arlene and see what she says. 

Not sure if today’s entry makes much sense, but this is kinda how I’m feeling this morning, rather all over the map. I guess this is all entirely OK, I am what I am, green eggs and ham. Enjoy the sun today if you have it, like we do. Time for phone call to mom. I’m ready for a laugh.