Bad Dreams

 So yawn and good morning, I’m up early again after an awful night of dreams heavily influenced by the news and Michael’s selection of another Netflix show about a (fictional) black, female serial killer. I tossed and turned all night, finally rousing at 5:30 a.m. to Lily’s whining to be let out, where she barked and startled me that perhaps someone was outside watching the house. So now I’m a mess, I’m tired, I don’t want to be awake in this black early morning hour. I don’t want to be watching Michael’s programs, I don’t want to be sitting down here listening to him snore away upstairs. Even Lily is here snoring on my lap. Grrr, I’m cranky.

The thing I’ve noticed on this lower Depakote is my dreams can be vivid, I remember them, and they are powerful enough to waken me from a deep sleep. There is some anxiety driving them, and sometimes fear, and I really don’t like this. I know the television is affecting my slumber, I’m extremely vulnerable and impressionable particularly right now, in this stage of my recovery journey. Honestly, I think I would prefer hiding upstairs in my bedroom, rather than getting scared every night by bad TV. Michael doesn’t get it, hell, neither do I, I used to be fine watching all this stuff until I got sick last Fall. Now I’m getting angry. Good thing the AA First Things First meeting starts in 15 minutes.

So yes, I’ll go to my meeting and hopefully be able to calm down a little bit. I need to feel safe again, I’m definitely rattled, and that I do not like. I’ll check back when the meeting is over, it’s Open Discussion, so hopefully the topics help.

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Hi there, I’m back again, today’s topics were grief and the importance of attending meetings. I didn’t think I’d get much from the discussion but I did find it helped to just hear everyone’s comments, particularly about Meeting Makers Make It, that always gives me hope, seeing as I’ve been attending these AA Zooms for almost three years now. I’m coming up on my six year sober anniversary May 1, and certainly going to meetings and sharing when I feel comfortable helps keep me sober. 

Not feeling particularly chatty today, I guess I can report on today’s plans: I need to shower, have lunch, then do a FaceTime with Fetter, who is out of town. Tonight I am having dinner with friend Julie at an Italian restaurant I really like. It’s raining today, so I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get Lily out for a walk or not. All in all I’m still waking up, hopefully no more bad TV for me. Nightmares. Who needs them? Later folks.