Difficulties

 I had a very rough night’s sleep, waking up at 3:00 a.m., taking an extra 1/2 of a Simply Sleep, then Lily wouldn’t let me fall back asleep until 5:00 a.m. Slept until 9:15 a.m., called mom, and was full of that fear and frustration with the disturbing photos I saw on Facebook and the man/boy’s genitals exposed in that AA Zoom group I was attending in 2020. Had to talk everything over with mom for almost 2 hours, asking her if I was living in an alternate reality now, or whether I was simply continuing to recover from last Fall’s incident and hospitalization. I’m full of anger that the perpetrators (or the vehicle they used) have not been brought to justice—mom assured me they would get their due someday. I don’t think Michael has any clue how much I’m hurting, how much fear I have experienced in the past, how hard this recovery has been for me.

I have improved cognition on the lowered Depakote, but that’s left me in a position of being acutely aware of my environment, I don’t think I trust many people, I’m constantly questioning myself and whether I’m nuts or not. I could beg Levy to drug me out on more Risperdal but no, I don’t want that. I just don’t want to be afraid, maybe it’s the local news that I watch that is making me fearful. That book I tried to read made me fearful, I canceled going to church today kinda based on what I read. I just know I’m facing difficulties today but I guess I’m glad I have a FaceTime with Dr. Levy tomorrow morning and I can tell him about my problems.

I don’t have a big day planned, fold my laundry, cook brunch, go to Kroger for a few things, cook dinner. I’m planning Green Goddess Chicken, the sauce is wonderful. I hope I can muster my wits to make it through the day feeling safe. Lord knows I wasn’t feeling safe this morning, and certainly not safe last Fall. I know the media is partly responsible, hence I will continue to limit my exposure as best I can. Fingers crossed I continue to stay stable, I think I can, this morning was just extremely difficult. It’s tied to broken sleep, I wonder if I was having bad dreams, who knows. But the sun is out today, even though it’s cold, so that signals possibilities for me.

That’s it for now, stay safe, I’m trying to.