Well yawn and good morning, dear reader(s). I’m moving a little bit slower this morning, the creative juices not coursing through my veins just yet. It’s a gray Friday in early March, and I’m finding myself wanting a bit of physical exercise, after years of a mostly sedentary lifestyle. I’m wishing I could get myself motivated to get out to the heated pool at the YMCA in Gahanna, but seeing as I cannot drive highways right now, getting out there is kinda difficult. There’s always the Jewish Center pool, but it’s cold and the dressing rooms are far away from the pool itself. So I will have to keep looking for some other possible place to swim. My search seems long and endless.
I may attempt some mental exercise today by slowly trying to read two books I got yesterday. One is a book on depression mom gave me, and the other is an examination of several people with mental illness that Michael ordered for me from the library. Now, reading books is extremely difficult for me, being on this med combination of Depakote and Risperdal. I’ve told you how frustrated this makes me, I just want to give up trying. But there’s a fighter inside of me, so I keep going back to books and attempting to work my way through them. Normally I can make it through about 10-20 pages before I give up. Dr. Levy wants me to go back to adolescent books and start there, but I’m embarrassed by the thought of going to the teen section in the library. Plus I want to be delving into meaty non-fiction. That’s just my inquisitive nature.
I do have to take note that in the past three months, my writing ability has come roaring back—I thought I was never to write so freely again. Maybe, just maybe, I might one day be able to make it through a whole book again. I know with the writing it has just been daily practice, getting my coffee first thing in the morning then immediately getting to work on my daily entry here. It is getting easier and easier to write as each day passes, the only difficulty I see is that I quickly forget what I have written soon after I put words down on paper. That is the Risperdal causing memory impairment, another huge frustration, but it doesn’t stop me from trying to push forward with my writing. So maybe I look at the books the same way, read a certain number of pages then stop, instead of my intuitive desire to just plow right through the work.
Yes, it’s just me Melissa, trying to weave my way through the twisted world of medication side effects, and believe me it’s a strange, often tortured road to walk. I had an interesting conversation with Fetter yesterday, where I told him my personality is being warped by these meds, I’m in a current state of mild depression and I can’t stand it, and he suggested talking to Levy about it and making the request for some med tweaking to raise my mood a little bit. I told him that the Risperdal severely inhibits my ability to have a cathartic cry over things like the passing of Legs, though I am able to crack a (meager) smile at things from time to time. I don’t know if Levy will accept my request for a med tweak, but I guess I have nothing to lose by asking.
Another thing I’m slow to adapt to is most forms of technology, thanks again to my meds. But in a way this keeps me forever in an age of innocence, not warped or plagued by the ailments befalling many in our society. I’m in a state of wonderment a lot of the time, or contemplation, but also forever analyzing. It’s kinda hard to explain. I just go back to my two canvasses with the cellphones, stating, “It’s The End Of The World But I Feel Fine,” that kinda captures how I feel about new technology and my struggles with/rejection of it.
Michael has ordered some new Nike shoes for me, they are black and chrome colored, and I’m excited for them to arrive. Me thinks I may need to order some “street wear” to compliment my new shoes, hopefully I can find some clothes that fit and don’t make me look fat. So I’ve got new Nikes to look forward to, I wonder if the stock market has improved and that’s why I’m getting the shoes? Who knows, far be it from me to question. I shall just enjoy this new purchase, and hopefully hit the streets more, maybe pick up my walking, Lord knows I need the exercise.
I don’t think we have any plans for the weekend, I may try to go to Shawn’s church on Sunday. Mom has been invited by her neighbors to go to the World Harvest Church, that’s a little too involved for me, I stick with the downtown churches. Shawn’s Methodist church does a lot for the recovery community, so I’m interested in that. There is always the First Congregational Church across the street to go visit, that’s on our list to attend this month. And I have my Sunday Zoom with Smith friends next weekend, so I’ve got things on my plate, which is good.
Ok that’s all for now. It’s started raining, so it’s definitely a day for staying inside. Enjoy your Friday. I plan to try to.
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