OK so thoughts, dear readers, or rather continued reflection on my current state of affairs: I feel blocked, the words aren’t flowing easily anymore. I don’t know if I’m preoccupied with the art show in four days; the Risperdal has taken hold; the Morning Pages longhand exercise screwed things up; or if it’s my new focus on my creative writing circle. Whatever the reason, I am having incredible difficulties with keeping my morning journal here going and it has me upset.
Maybe I’m preoccupied with my session with Dr. Levy coming up in his office in a few hours. I haven’t seen him in person in six months—we’ve been doing FaceTime because he was down in Florida. I’m nervous, heck I always am, and I’m not sure why exactly, it’s just always been that way. I don’t know how I can accurately explain everything that’s been going on with me in just a 20 minute session; I think I’m going to just say I’ve had this “readjustment” and I now feel fully anchored in reality, I feel recovered, and ask why it took six months to finally get to this point.
I think I am going to need some extra Gabapentin to get through this session. There’s nothing wrong with that, I don’t feel ashamed that I need some help with my anxiety. I’m leaving plenty of time to drive up to his office, don’t want to be late. The trash man is here, emptying our can, that brings some relief, as I had two bags of old clothes in there I wanted to get rid of and now they are gone.
I’m meeting sponsor Shawn today after my Levy appointment, to continue work on my Step 4 moral inventory, which is going slowly and I want to speed it up. I think Shawn’s time is spread thinly, he has many sponsees and I’m not entirely sure he has time for all of us. But be that as it may, I do enjoy my time with him, and I’ve been making some progress on my serenity. I think what’s been slowing me down is my lingering cognitive impairment caused by the meds, but I’m trying my best to work around it.
OK, time to call mom, have her calm me down some, pop more Gabapentin and get dressed for the Levy appointment. It’s a beautiful morning, chilly but bright, perhaps signaling that good things are to come today? I hope so.
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