Early Wake-Up

 Just awoke with a start at 2:00 a.m. from a very vivid dream. Could not fall back asleep, so I came downstairs and took 1/2 a Simply Sleep and I’m waiting for it to kick in. I absolutely loathe these early morning wake-ups; haven’t had one in a good long while, and I consider that to be fortunate. Fingers crossed I can fall back asleep, I really, really need my sleep. The art show is tomorrow and there is much to do today to get ready! Granted, Michael has the outside cleaned up, I’ve got all the pieces in the parlor ready to go. There are just some last things to do like make a sign, “Art For Sale” and sign a few things. Also need to pick up something to eat for brunch that day.

My anxiety was pretty high yesterday morning, filled with worry over the lingering altered thinking from December through March of this year, post-hospitalization. Dr. Levy said on Wednesday I was definitely having psychosis, and I guess it’s hitting me full force that I will most likely experience psychosis again—I may go another 5 1/2 year stretch between episodes, but it always seems to come back. This knowledge rattles me, I had thought if I remove the drugs and alcohol I had a good shot at never getting manic-psychotic again. But this is apparently wrong. So right now I am right squarely in the face of my bipolar with psychotic features diagnosis, and fearing it, hating it, anxious over it.

I probably should read over all the entries I posted here since December of last year, looking for clues of erratic behavior. But I really don’t want to, at least right now. I mean, I’ve got all this art here clearly illustrating a mind slightly, err, off the rails. I’m wondering, if I weren’t experiencing some grandiosity earlier this year, would I even be having this show tomorrow? Probably not. Ah yes, bipolar grandiosity, it has been with me again, and here I was thinking that I had some special “insight” into things that no one else had.

Jesus, I feel like a fraud.

Part of me is secretly hoping no one comes tomorrow; another part wants to get lucky and sell a few things. I think this time spent leading up to the sale is the worst—all this self-doubt creeps in, this questioning of my motives, this constant, ever so constant self-analysis, which really tires me out. It’s almost 3:30 a.m. and I can feel the Simply Sleep kicking in, thank God. So I’ll leave things here for now. Sweet dreams.