Good morning, dear reader(s), I continue to reflect on where I’ve been in these past six months, indeed, in these past 22 years that I’ve been dealing with this bipolar disorder. What I know for sure is I go through these “creative artistic bursts” in writing and in art that push the limits. Then when the “click” happens and I kinda wake up and shake myself and think, What the hell was going on? I feel shame and disgust with what I created and want to throw it out. Right now I’m thinking my God, what a strange bird I am, keeping going on this blog that no one reads—what’s the point? I fear that there will be another long gap in the entries here, that a writer’s block is coming. Oh, I hope not!
I’m still on 4 mg Risperdal and it feels like a heavy, sluggish weight on me. I see Dr. Levy tomorrow and I’m tempted to start pushing him for a reduction; but once I tell him the click back to full recovery only recently happened, I know he will be hesitant to change anything in my med cocktail. We only have a 20-minute session, that’s all the time I have to relay what’s going on, I feel pressured plus nervous to finally be seeing him in person after six months. Oh, I feel strange today, not myself, yet maybe the self I’m supposed to be?
My writing seems pressured right now, forced, when it used to flow so easily in the morning. I’m wondering if it’s those handwritten Morning Pages I was doing that contributed to this change, or the Risperdal taking hold is to blame…I just feel out of sorts, lost, definitely not relaxed. Why don’t I laugh anymore? I am feeling the full weight of bipolar disorder today, how it twists reality for me, how it affects my moods, my feelings, my being. I do not like it at all.
I am though grateful that I have my cooking, that stays consistent, whether I am “tripping” (or whatever we call it) or not. The art show is coming up in five days—rain is projected, so there goes the crowds, I guess I was getting nervous for nothing. I’ll still put my stuff out on the porch at 8:00 a.m., maybe someone will come by with an umbrella? Oh well, at least I tried, who can control the elements.
I’ve got a dental appointment today, teeth cleaning, and I need to talk to Dentist Dan about my cavity in my lower front tooth. I know he wants to give me a crown in my front right tooth, but I’m holding off on that for awhile. I need to do laundry, but I don’t want to do it. But maybe I’ll force myself. It’s so hard for me to do chores, I wish I understood why, it’s much more than “No one likes to do chores,” rather, it’s a motivational block I can’t explain. It makes me feel inferior and worthless, like indulging in self-pity, but that doesn’t do me any good. At least I can keep the kitchen clean, that’s something.
OK, I can’t write anymore today, this has been hard. I will hope for a better product tomorrow.
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