Morning Pages

Hello there, dear reader(s), I’m embarking on an exciting exercise from the book “The Artist’s Way”—it’s called the Morning Pages. Basically, I have bought a spiral-bound notebook and every morning, I write three pages longhand of whatever comes to mind. What I’m seeing is I have a very strong Inner Critic, as all do, and writing these pages religiously, day after day, is supposed to chisel away at the Critic and help unlock the creative spirit inside each and every one of us.

“The Artist’s Way” can be used by anyone; writers, artists, housewives, stockbrokers, poets…I’m very excited to experience the transformative change that the author says happens after completing her 12-week program. I’m realizing that I don’t want to be embroiled in financial matters; I just have this mountain of creative energy inside of me and it wants to come out! What’s been holding me back is fear of grandiosity; fear I’m nuts, and no one will ever take me seriously. What I’m starting to think is that is ridiculous, and I should just go with my gut and keep producing what I produce, Inner Critic be damned.

I went down to the basement and located several interesting pieces of undamaged art from 2007: “Envy is a Sin” and “Young Prophets” to name a few. I must have been in high religious delusion, yet there is definitely something compelling about the pieces. I may take a few more to Fetter tomorrow, just so he too can give me feedback on this Outsider Art I have created. I am convinced now I will have more than enough art to show at the yard sale later this month!

Arranged with mom to go to her house Tuesday next week to complete “Genesis.” I had thought I could finish it here, but I don’t have an adequate table to work on. I’m scuttling plans to have “My Mother, Myself” done by May 20—I can’t rush that, it needs time, I need to continue collecting things in the alleys around here. I feel a great sense of relief that this project has been tabled for the time being; also delight with everything I have found in the basement that hasn’t been harmed by mold. The triptych is now also on hold, though I may try to sell the NYT panel on its own this year. Still thinking about it.

I know there may be doubters of my work, people who don’t understand it, but if I succumb to fear I would be paralyzed and never, ever open myself up to a show. I’m prepared that we sell nothing, and that’s fine, I’ll just take everything back to the basement for storage until the yard sale next year. I will probably get extremely nervous as May 20 gets closer, but right now I feel good and confident and ready to proceed.

I’m going to let go of all the shame I feel about our house; I know the chimney won’t be repaired and the paint trim won’t be painted by the show. Michael just isn’t moving on it, it’s not a priority, at least it doesn’t appear to be. He says he’s off limits today for a discussion because the Fed is expected to raise interest rates today. Funny, that makes me want to needle him more, but I’m going to hold my tongue and not say anything. At least today.

Making Chicken Paprikash for dinner, should be tasty, not low calorie but that’s fine. Tonight is my Sane and Sober Zoom, and I’ll be announcing my 6 year sober anniversary to the group. I’ve been going to this group for almost 3 years, my how time flies. It originated in New York City, but now attracts people from all over the country. I love the group’s focus on dual diagnosis, I really need an AA group like this, it’s wonderful to be in touch with people like me. I’m feeling less and less shame about myself, and I’m thrilled about that.

OK, that’s it for today, signing off from my chilly corner of the world (and it’s early May!). Have a good day all. Keep creating!