Finally Tethered?

 Good morning, dear reader(s), I come to you today feeling grounded—really grounded—in reality. I’ve been hinting in several posts that ever since I got Covid back in late March that there has been a readjustment in my mental state; I’m fumbling for words to adequately describe how I’m feeling, but basically I finally feel 100% normal since that hospitalization last November. So it took 6 months to fully recover, which I guess is standard for me.

Now, during this six month period, we saw a return to writing here on a consistent basis; we saw me create pieces of art. I was able to cook almost every night, I was able to meet with Shawn and have coherent conversations. I began reading again. Yet I always felt I was under observation; that messages were coming to me through the TV; like I was some actress in a play; being watched; recorded? There was some grandiosity, I took to ordering assorted hats from Amazon, didn’t go too crazy with the spending but did spend some money. I never let on to Michael that I thought people were watching us, never let him know what I was doing with YouTube (why?!) in the early morning, never told him I was talking out loud in the car.

Dr. Levy doesn’t know about any of this either, and I’m scared to tell him about it at our in person session next week. I absolutely do not want my Risperdal increased, but I know he’s my doctor and I have to be truthful in relaying what has been going on. I explained everything fully to Fetter in therapy yesterday, and he was firm that I be honest with Dr. Levy. He did though tell me I have a choice when it comes to a possible increase in the medication. 

I’m not saying what I went through in the past six months was psychosis, yet there were blushes of it (for lack of a better term). I guess I’m just tired from trying to figure all this out, but I wanted to have this recorded somewhere that I’ve gone through the “click” (as I call it) and I’ve come out the other end and now I feel normal. I know I need to spend some time reading back through everything I’ve written here since last December. Did it make sense? Was I going in and out of reality? 

OK, this is all for today. We shall see where my writing goes from here.