Having been around quite a few people with bipolar disorder, I can see that there are those with quite extreme anger management issues. These "angry bipolars" as I call them, tend to have their outbursts as they escalate into hypomania/mania around Springtime. Fortunately, I do not really have anger management issues because I internalize most -- if not all -- of my frustration, and tend to blame myself for things that upset me.
Now, this is not to say I never have had outbursts in mania with psychosis attached. Oh no, I have been extremely upset with my husband, who I believe has misled me in our marriage. He is a top-secret CIA operative who has set up a phony marriage so he can "spy" on me for the federal government. And he is doing this because I am a "special" sacred being sent from God to judge mankind (that's the grandiosity part).
In mania I've yelled at him, thrown water on him, threatened divorce numerous times, ultimately left the house and gone to my mother's place for a stretch until the mania was controlled by heavy medication. I get very upset now talking/thinking about this because my husband has remained by my side this whole time. Where do these outbursts come from? Is it because I suppress all of my anger/frustration that it just boils over when I get sick? Why would someone who is normally docile and kind and compassionate do a complete 180 degrees and become a vocal monster?
I remember way back -- maybe 2003? -- I was in a bipolar support group meeting in a church downtown. A very heavy-set man came in and I could see he was agitated and I was fairly sure he wasn't on his medication. We were going around the circle, talking about some issue (I don't recall) when he sat up, picked up his chair and slammed it to the ground, breaking it into pieces. He stormed out, leaving us all very frightened.
Of course I'll circle back and remind everyone that most people with a mental illness are not violent -- but it's true that I've seen angry outbursts firsthand. I am also remembering a time when I was in a nut hut and I saw a thick plastic clipboard with the word "Zyprexa" in large letters at the top of it. Obviously something given to the hospital by a marketing rep. But knowing how that drug causes morbid obesity, in my "altered state" I picked up that clipboard and slammed it down on the nurses' station counter. To my amazement, it broke in half.
But the next thing I knew, five (big) men came out of nowhere, picked me up and took me to the "rubber room" and put a shot of Haldol in my butt. I was crying the whole time, saying God was going to be so upset that they were killing me. I fell asleep on the futon on the floor -- for how long, I don't know -- and woke up, stood up, and tried the door handle. It was unlocked. I walked out, and not really knowing what to do, I went to my room and fell back to sleep.
So I guess you can call me an "angry bipolar" (at times) too. It's not something I'm proud about and frankly, I'm embarrassed. But it does come with the territory. And it makes me very, very nervous.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
On Weight
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| Grrrr.... |
My mood stabilizer, Depakote (or "Depa-bloat" as I call it) is well-known for packing on the pounds. As you know from my earlier post, I just had my dosage increased from 1,500/mg day to 2,000/mg a day and I instantly put on 10 lbs. My Ativan (for anxiety) dose has been increased and that makes me wake up in the middle of the night and want to eat. I have to really work hard to fight that urge -- I find drinking water and chewing a piece of Nicotene gum helps.
The most dreaded medicine of all, in my opinion, is the evil Zyprexa. It is prescribed when someone is in florid mania and needs to be "brought down" quickly. In the old days, doctors would use Haldol (some still do) which works too but renders you a zombie for months. Zyprexa is a newer drug and isn't so harsh. But it is known to cause morbid obesity with some people -- and I am one of them.
I was last given Zyprexa in June 2011, to bring me down from that horrible mania with psychotic features. Within one month, I packed on 40 pounds. Maybe 50. I'm not sure. I lugged around this weight, miserable and ashamed, until April 2012 when I embarked on the Optifast Weight Loss program. This is basically a very rigid and restrictive liquid diet. I was compliant for 9 months and lost 80 lbs. And I was very, very proud of myself.
But what has happened is the weight has started to creep back on my body. I know my medicine plays a very big part in this, as I take in around 1,300/calories a day. It's kinda hard to keep swallowing my pills every morning, knowing that they make me fat. I long for the days when I was shapely and trim. But I guess it's just a classic trade off: Do I want to be thin and nuts or fat and stable? You know I'm going for the latter.
Now, since I started taking medicine in 2002, there have been times when I started this "tinkering" I mentioned. What I mean is I cut back my Depakote. This turned out to be a disaster and I ended up in one of the local nut huts. I also have cut back my Ativan a few times and ended up in horrible withdrawal, in an acute anxiety attack. So back into compliance I go, and for the most part, I am a good patient.
I guess this situation is further complicated for me given my love of cooking. I really, really get great pleasure from preparing very elaborate meals -- and of course I'm going to eat them. I have to work hard to watch my portion size and eat slowly. This can be challenging.
So fight I do this on-going battle with my weight. I don't think it will ever be over, and I don't think I will ever be at an ideal, healthy weight as long as I take my bipolar medicine. I could be wrong -- and I'm hoping I am. It's a struggle though.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Lightening Up
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| I Shall Overcome! |
What's happening with me right now is this is the first time I have been cogently able to write about my mental illness. And I want to have an exorcism of all the bad experiences I have had with mania and psychosis, get the memories wiped out so I can be free of the pain and shame. I'm not really stepping back and examining all the complex beauty and creative energy that accompanies my illness. I do honestly walk the fine line between genius and madness -- and it's quite interesting.
What I am "trapped" in right now is just cold, hard fear that I will get manic again and have to go back into a mental ward. I obsess about it, and tend to give short-shrift to the wonderful things going on in my life and the victories I have in management of my bipolar disorder. This is where my talk therapy is so, so useful. We are working to break through this "fear bubble" (for lack of a better description) I live in so Melissa can shine.
It's no secret that people with bipolar disorder tend to be very, very intelligent and very creative. I have many gifts and I'm lucky. I went to an elite high school and women's college, and obtained a Master's degree in Public Management from a University who's program is in the top 5 in the country. I studied at the London School of Economics in England and I actually was working through a second Master's degree in Journalism before my illness hit. I am gifted in writing, painting and publication design. I've got lots to crow about.
My husband constantly reminds me how gifted I am, and never stops encouraging me to read the very meaty Sunday New York Times that arrives on our doorstep. I never read it anymore, and that's mostly because during one of my manias I sent a garbled letter to the NYT editor. They must have immediately known I was nuts. Again, I'm just afraid -- but we still keep our subscription, waiting for the day when I feel safe enough to delve into the interesting news.
You know about my culinary gift. Now, that I can tell you is something that did not evolve until after my first mania in 2002 and subsequent diagnosis of bipolar disorder. It came almost out of nowhere and I'm quite pleased and proud of it. Only downside is I don't get to be taken out to restaurants that frequently because my husband says my food is better than any place we go to. And I have to agree -- he's right!
Let's see. What else. I'm friendly, I have a heart of gold, I'm compassionate, I don't really pass judgement on others. I like helping people. And I guess I should add I'm pretty humble. I like that about myself. I am going to christen today a "Feel Good About Being Melissa" day. I like the sound of that.
So in closing, please know that I will forthwith try to balance my "bitching" about my illness with a more positive take on the, err, "benefits" of my situation, for there are many. With the bad comes some good. As is the case with most things in life.
Friday, April 4, 2014
Ft. Hood Shooting, Part 2
Ugh. I had a terrible nightmare last night. Someone was trying to shoot me and I was running down a dark street yelling for help. Obviously we know where all this came from. And my mood stabilizer Depakote causes very intense dreams, so that made the nightmare all the more frightening. Sigh.
My last post about the Ft. Hood mass shooting two days ago was a "cut-and-paste" of a CBS news story. I thought it summed up what happened fairly well. I wasn't even going to discuss the incident, and actually, was trying to do my very best to avoid listening/reading anything about it, knowing it would upset me.
But I was cooking in the kitchen yesterday and listening to National Public Radio, and they had a long segment on the shooting. If you can believe this, I actually turned the volume down so I wouldn't have to hear it. But then curiosity got the best of me and I had to turn it up. I was not happy about what I was hearing.
Now, I am very biased but it seems to me that the emphasis on why Lopez did what he did is because he was nuts. At least that's what the military seems comfortable saying right now. Sure, he may have been arguing with some people before he went ballistic, but this guy was off his rocker. The story mentions he had depression and anxiety. PTSD perhaps, but that's questionable. No, this was mental illness and it's linked to violence. Surely, this shouldn't surprise anyone.
Understand I'm very, very sensitive to any kind of dialogue that ties someone with a brain disorder to a very violent act. It's not that I dispute this is the case in some rare instances that pretty much always involve mentally ill men. But I know -- and you probably do too -- that this "linkage" prompts many, many people to draw a conclusion that the majority of people with a mental illness are violent, or at least very prone to becoming violent -- and harming a good number of people.
I want to get quite honest and let you know that before my brain blew out in 2002 and I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1 with psychotic features, I had some fairly strong beliefs about people with mental illness. I did not look at "them" in a positive light, in some instances I mocked "them," I certainly felt superior to "them," and I wanted to keep "them" at a safe distance because I wasn't entirely sure what "they" might do to me. And I was not alone in this line of thinking. It was not until I experienced for myself what mental illness actually is that I immediately changed my course of reasoning.
I guess what's ultimately frustrating to me is I cannot change/influence what folks think about the mentally ill. Sure, I can lead by example, but stigma is a pretty powerful thing to combat. Particularly when it's ingrained in a collective consciousness. And when a mass shooting occurs -- which sadly is becoming more frequent in America -- stigma against the mentally ill grows bigger and bigger. And I end up feeling deflated and defeated.
I probably would have been better off yesterday keeping the volume down on the radio when NPR was discussing the shooting, and staying off Facebook so I wouldn't have seen the CBS story. But sticking your head in the sand is not always a good thing to do. The event happened. It's tragic. It's now woven into the fabric of American history. Like I said yesterday, I'm afraid -- but probably not in the same way you are. I fear the pall of judgement. And the fact I can ultimately do nothing about it.
My last post about the Ft. Hood mass shooting two days ago was a "cut-and-paste" of a CBS news story. I thought it summed up what happened fairly well. I wasn't even going to discuss the incident, and actually, was trying to do my very best to avoid listening/reading anything about it, knowing it would upset me.
But I was cooking in the kitchen yesterday and listening to National Public Radio, and they had a long segment on the shooting. If you can believe this, I actually turned the volume down so I wouldn't have to hear it. But then curiosity got the best of me and I had to turn it up. I was not happy about what I was hearing.
Now, I am very biased but it seems to me that the emphasis on why Lopez did what he did is because he was nuts. At least that's what the military seems comfortable saying right now. Sure, he may have been arguing with some people before he went ballistic, but this guy was off his rocker. The story mentions he had depression and anxiety. PTSD perhaps, but that's questionable. No, this was mental illness and it's linked to violence. Surely, this shouldn't surprise anyone.
Understand I'm very, very sensitive to any kind of dialogue that ties someone with a brain disorder to a very violent act. It's not that I dispute this is the case in some rare instances that pretty much always involve mentally ill men. But I know -- and you probably do too -- that this "linkage" prompts many, many people to draw a conclusion that the majority of people with a mental illness are violent, or at least very prone to becoming violent -- and harming a good number of people.
I want to get quite honest and let you know that before my brain blew out in 2002 and I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1 with psychotic features, I had some fairly strong beliefs about people with mental illness. I did not look at "them" in a positive light, in some instances I mocked "them," I certainly felt superior to "them," and I wanted to keep "them" at a safe distance because I wasn't entirely sure what "they" might do to me. And I was not alone in this line of thinking. It was not until I experienced for myself what mental illness actually is that I immediately changed my course of reasoning.
I guess what's ultimately frustrating to me is I cannot change/influence what folks think about the mentally ill. Sure, I can lead by example, but stigma is a pretty powerful thing to combat. Particularly when it's ingrained in a collective consciousness. And when a mass shooting occurs -- which sadly is becoming more frequent in America -- stigma against the mentally ill grows bigger and bigger. And I end up feeling deflated and defeated.
I probably would have been better off yesterday keeping the volume down on the radio when NPR was discussing the shooting, and staying off Facebook so I wouldn't have seen the CBS story. But sticking your head in the sand is not always a good thing to do. The event happened. It's tragic. It's now woven into the fabric of American history. Like I said yesterday, I'm afraid -- but probably not in the same way you are. I fear the pall of judgement. And the fact I can ultimately do nothing about it.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
And So It Starts Again: Ft. Hood Shooting, Pt. 1
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| Another mass shooting by a mentally ill man |
* * *
FORT HOOD, Texas -- The man who gunned down three fellow soldiers at Fort Hood and wounded several others before killing himself suffered from mental illness and may have argued with other soldiers before the rampage, the base's commander said Thursday.
The shooter in Wednesday's attack -- which occurred at the same Texas military facility where an Army psychiatrist embarked on a massacre in 2009 -- was identified as Spc. Ivan. Lopez, 34, originally from Puerto Rico.
Lt. Gen. Mark Milley, the senior officer on base, told reporters there is a "strong possibility" that Lopez had argued with one or more comrades before he opened fire, killing three people and wounding more than dozen others before taking his own life.
"There may have been a verbal altercation with another solider or soldiers and there is a strong possibility that may have immediately preceded the shooting," Milley said. The general did not say what sort of dispute may have occurred, and he said there was no evidence that Lopez deliberately targeted his victims.
Lopez's unstable mental health is believed to be the underlying cause of the attack, Milley said. The general said Wednesday night that shooter had been undergoing treatment for depression and anxiety and was taking medication, including the sleep aid Ambien. Although no diagnosis had been made, Lopez was also being evaluated to determine whether he had post-traumatic stress disorder, Milley said.
Investigators have also been told that Lopez may have been upset because the Army had refused to grant him personal leave, CBS News has learned. A family spokesman in Puerto Rico told The Associated Press that Lopez had been upset when he was granted only two days' leave to attend the funeral of his mother, who died of a heart attack in November.
An Iraq war veteran, Lopez claimed that he had suffered a traumatic head injury. If he did sustain such an injury, it was not in combat. Army Secretary John McHugh said the soldier saw no combat during a four-month deployment to Iraq as a truck driver from August to December 2011. A review of his service record showed no Purple Heart, which indicates he never was wounded. The soldier saw a psychiatrist last month and showed no "sign of any likely violence either to himself or others," McHugh said. His record shows "no involvement with extremist organizations of any kind."
"We're not making any assumptions by that. We're going to keep an open mind and an open investigation. We will go where the facts lead us. And possible extremist involvement is still being looked at very, very carefully. He had a clean record in terms of his behavior," McHugh said.
The shootings took place at a medical facility and a nearby command building - areas on the base that were familiar to Lopez. Investigators searched the soldier's home Thursday and questioned his wife, said Fort Hood spokesman Chris Haug. The couple had a 2-year-old daughter and Lopez also had two children from a previous marriage, a friend said.
Lopez apparently walked into a building Wednesday afternoon and began firing a .45-caliber semi-automatic pistol. He then got into a vehicle and continued firing before entering another building. Milley told reporters military personnel tried to protect their colleagues. "There's at least one chaplain who shielded and saved other soldiers, broke some windows and got them to safety," the general said.
One of those slain, Sgt. Timothy Owens of Effingham, Ill., was a counselor who tried to talk down the shooter, according to his mother. Owens was shot five times at close range. The rampage ended when Lopez was confronted in a parking lot by a military police woman. "He put his hands up and then put his hands under his jacket. He pulled out the .45-caliber Smith & Wesson weapon, at which time she exchanged fire with him," Milley said. Lopez then put his gun to his his and pulled the trigger a final time, the general said.
A U.S. official with knowledge of the investigation told CBS News that Lopez bought his weapon, a Smith and Wesson MP 45, at Guns Galore, the same shop where Maj. Nidal Hasan, who carried out a deadly rampage at Fort Hood in 2009, bought his weapon. Lopez purchased his weapon legally March 1.
Army Chief of Staff Gen. Ray Odierno told senators that the steps taken in the wake of the first Fort Hood shooting in 2009 helped prevent Wednesday's shooting from being a bigger disaster. The alert system and training for first responders "contributed to making this something that could have been much worse," Odierno said during his testimony before the Senate Armed Services Committee on the Army's budget.
CBS News national security correspondent David Martin reports that Lopez joined the National Guard in Puerto Rico in 1999 and that after 15 years in the armed services had only risen to the low rank of specialist.
Sources say a preliminary check of Lopez's background has revealed no significant criminal record, and a search of the criminal and terror databases has turned up no evidence, so far, that he was connected to any kind of terrorist group, but nothing has been ruled out.
McHugh said the soldier served on a yearlong peacekeeping mission in Egypt's Sinai Peninsula in the mid-2000s. He then enlisted with the Army in 2008, McHugh said. His weapon recently was purchased locally and was not registered to be on the base, Milley said.
Suzie Miller, a 71-year-old retired property manager who lived in the same apartment complex as Lopez near Fort Hood, said few in the area knew him and his wife well because they had just moved in a few weeks ago with their toddler. "I'd see him in his uniform heading out to the car every morning," Miller said. "He was friendly to me and a lot of us around here."
Those injured Wednesday were taken to the base hospital and other local hospitals. At least three patients were listed in critical condition Thursday, but were expected to survive. The shootings immediately revived memories of the 2009 shooting rampage on Fort Hood, the deadliest attack on a domestic military installation in U.S. history. Thirteen people were killed and more than 30 were wounded.
Hasan, an Army psychiatrist, was convicted last year for the November 2009 mass shooting at Fort Hood. According to trial testimony, he walked into a crowded building, shouted "Allahu Akbar!" - Arabic for "God is great!" - and opened fire. The rampage ended when Hasan was shot in the back by base police officers.
Hasan, now paralyzed from the waist down, is on death row at the military prison at Fort Leavenworth in Kansas. He has said he acted to protect Islamic insurgents abroad from American aggression.
After that shooting, the military tightened base security nationwide. That included issuing security personnel long-barreled weapons, adding an insider-attack scenario to their training, and strengthening ties to local law enforcement. The military also joined an FBI intelligence-sharing program aimed at identifying terror threats.
In September, a former Navy man opened fire at the Washington Navy Yard, leaving 13 people dead, including the gunman. After that shooting, Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel ordered the Pentagon to review security at all U.S. defense installations worldwide and examine the granting of security clearances that allow access to them.
* * *
Another mass shooting by someone with a mental illness. The country is outraged. Do I continue to hide under a rock? Even though I am not violent and we don't own any weapons? Stigma is looming. And I am afraid.
A Kindred Spirit?
Seeing as I love to cook, and prepare a different dish for dinner almost 365 days a year, every afternoon around 3:00 p.m. on the dot you will find me at our local grocery store. I know everyone who works there and I really see them as friends. My favorite is Joe, the Irish policeman who watches for thieves (there really aren't any), but most of the time helps out with bagging groceries and bringing shopping carts in the parking lot back into the store. We've become good friends. I have not told him that I have bipolar disorder, but I know he wouldn't care if I did.
Yesterday I met an interesting gentleman. I pulled into the parking lot and grabbed a cart that was outside and began wheeling it towards the entrance. Just outside was the disheveled gent who I said "hello" to. That's just my style.
"The funnel clouds are coming," he said. "Watch out. They are coming for us." I knew immediately he was having a delusion -- I could see it in his eyes -- and I felt a wave of sympathy wash over me. "It's going to be okay," I replied. "Don't worry. I don't think the storm will come."
Now, most of us would probably walk on by this man. Maybe get scared. Engaging him in dialogue would be a real no-no, we think. Does he have a weapon? Will he jump us? Is he on drugs or drunk? Homeless? I can tell you it's my thinking that he has a mental illness, and were he to be on medication, he most likely would not be talking about or seeing funnel clouds. But getting people to take their medication is the real problem. Given all the side effects, many just can't stand it.
I went into the store and leisurely did my shopping. I eat very healthy food now, finding that my mood improves if I have fresh vegetables and fruit and good, lean cuts of meat. I watch my sodium, don't eat frozen food, and try to keep my carbs to a minimum. I have to stay away from all alcohol, particularly given my medication, but this is very, very hard for me. (More about my "dual diagnosis" of bipolar disorder and alcoholism later.)
After paying for my groceries, I wheeled my cart outside towards the car. And there was the gentleman, now roaming, stumbling around the parking lot, talking out loud to no one, more about thunder and devastation and skies opening up. I saw a few people walking towards their cars just staring at him. My immediate, initial thought was I should drive him to a hospital. But then I sighed, knowing that was impossible for me. I can't save everyone. It takes enough energy keeping myself on the straight and narrow.
I guess I relay this little tale to let you know that there's a human being behind those mumblings, those nonsensical ravings. And odds are were they to have and take medication, they would be as stable as you and me. I approach these people with sympathy -- but this is not to say everyone should do this. I just see a "kindred spirit," someone who is experiencing what I experienced. The only thing that separates us is I take my medication.
There were no funnel clouds in my city last night. And of course I knew that would be the case. I slept easy last night and had no nightmares. But I think for Grocery Store Guy that was not the case.
Yesterday I met an interesting gentleman. I pulled into the parking lot and grabbed a cart that was outside and began wheeling it towards the entrance. Just outside was the disheveled gent who I said "hello" to. That's just my style.
"The funnel clouds are coming," he said. "Watch out. They are coming for us." I knew immediately he was having a delusion -- I could see it in his eyes -- and I felt a wave of sympathy wash over me. "It's going to be okay," I replied. "Don't worry. I don't think the storm will come."
Now, most of us would probably walk on by this man. Maybe get scared. Engaging him in dialogue would be a real no-no, we think. Does he have a weapon? Will he jump us? Is he on drugs or drunk? Homeless? I can tell you it's my thinking that he has a mental illness, and were he to be on medication, he most likely would not be talking about or seeing funnel clouds. But getting people to take their medication is the real problem. Given all the side effects, many just can't stand it.
I went into the store and leisurely did my shopping. I eat very healthy food now, finding that my mood improves if I have fresh vegetables and fruit and good, lean cuts of meat. I watch my sodium, don't eat frozen food, and try to keep my carbs to a minimum. I have to stay away from all alcohol, particularly given my medication, but this is very, very hard for me. (More about my "dual diagnosis" of bipolar disorder and alcoholism later.)
After paying for my groceries, I wheeled my cart outside towards the car. And there was the gentleman, now roaming, stumbling around the parking lot, talking out loud to no one, more about thunder and devastation and skies opening up. I saw a few people walking towards their cars just staring at him. My immediate, initial thought was I should drive him to a hospital. But then I sighed, knowing that was impossible for me. I can't save everyone. It takes enough energy keeping myself on the straight and narrow.
I guess I relay this little tale to let you know that there's a human being behind those mumblings, those nonsensical ravings. And odds are were they to have and take medication, they would be as stable as you and me. I approach these people with sympathy -- but this is not to say everyone should do this. I just see a "kindred spirit," someone who is experiencing what I experienced. The only thing that separates us is I take my medication.
There were no funnel clouds in my city last night. And of course I knew that would be the case. I slept easy last night and had no nightmares. But I think for Grocery Store Guy that was not the case.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Some Words About PTSD
You've heard me refer to my last manic episode in the Spring of 2011. I haven't gone into specifics about it yet, because even though several years have passed, it's still pretty painful for me to think about, let alone discuss in a blog right now. But there's one thing I do know and will share: what I experienced shocked, scared and upset me so much that there is no doubt in my mind I am now suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
My symptoms are basically I do not want to leave my house, save go to my part-time job in an office of 5 people; the small grocery store in my neighborhood; my therapist and psychiatrist's office; and a restaurant or movie theater as long as my husband is with me. I do not like to be in crowds. I do not like large stores. I do not like answering/talking on the phone or listening to phone messages. Loud music upsets me. I'm nervous about driving. Heck, I'm nervous and anxious pretty much about everything.
Obviously, this is no way to live.
What trips me up is my manias are always accompanied by psychosis, which is traumatic by nature. Symptoms of psychosis are:
In my case, my bouts of psychosis have gotten worse with each episode, not better. I've read that as an individual with bipolar disorder ages, the episodes become fewer and far less intense. But that has not been the case with me. The 2011 psychotic episode traumatized me so much. I do not recall ever being near-agoraphobic before. I also have never been as anxious as I am now. My anti-anxiety med dose has tripled since May 2011.
And as for stress, well, let's just say I have to keep my exposure to any stressful situation to an absolute minimum. Undo stress can easily spark the ember of hypomania (and subsequently mania) and we know how dangerous that is. For example, I have almost no hand in the finances of our household. Money is a major trigger for me. I work part-time in a low-key office because I really can't handle a full-time employment situation. And I don't read any political or religious articles because they can upset me, and those topics figure prominently in my manias.
But how does one suffering from PTSD live a stress-free life? Well, it's impossible, as we all know. I have my medication and talk therapy, and my husband shoulders most of the responsibility for running the household. This is all fine and good, but underneath it all, I feel saddened that I can't do more on my own. Raised with that "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" mentality, it's really difficult for me to accept that I have limitations to what I can and cannot do.
However, I'm not one to just throw up my hands and say "All is lost!" Oh no, not me. I hope to start slowly edging forward and expanding the parameters I travel within my city. I plan on taking on more creative tasks at work. My 30th High School reunion is coming up and maybe I'll go. Still thinking about it and it scares me, but who knows what I'll ultimately decide to do. I want to live a happy, productive life. I guess it's baby steps. For a 47 year-old woman. Oh well. You need to walk before you can fly.
My symptoms are basically I do not want to leave my house, save go to my part-time job in an office of 5 people; the small grocery store in my neighborhood; my therapist and psychiatrist's office; and a restaurant or movie theater as long as my husband is with me. I do not like to be in crowds. I do not like large stores. I do not like answering/talking on the phone or listening to phone messages. Loud music upsets me. I'm nervous about driving. Heck, I'm nervous and anxious pretty much about everything.
Obviously, this is no way to live.
What trips me up is my manias are always accompanied by psychosis, which is traumatic by nature. Symptoms of psychosis are:
- Disorganized thought and speech
- False beliefs that are not based in reality (delusions), especially unfounded fear or suspicion
- Hearing, seeing, or feeling things that are not there (hallucinations)
- Thoughts that "jump" between unrelated topics (disordered thinking)
In my case, my bouts of psychosis have gotten worse with each episode, not better. I've read that as an individual with bipolar disorder ages, the episodes become fewer and far less intense. But that has not been the case with me. The 2011 psychotic episode traumatized me so much. I do not recall ever being near-agoraphobic before. I also have never been as anxious as I am now. My anti-anxiety med dose has tripled since May 2011.
And as for stress, well, let's just say I have to keep my exposure to any stressful situation to an absolute minimum. Undo stress can easily spark the ember of hypomania (and subsequently mania) and we know how dangerous that is. For example, I have almost no hand in the finances of our household. Money is a major trigger for me. I work part-time in a low-key office because I really can't handle a full-time employment situation. And I don't read any political or religious articles because they can upset me, and those topics figure prominently in my manias.
But how does one suffering from PTSD live a stress-free life? Well, it's impossible, as we all know. I have my medication and talk therapy, and my husband shoulders most of the responsibility for running the household. This is all fine and good, but underneath it all, I feel saddened that I can't do more on my own. Raised with that "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" mentality, it's really difficult for me to accept that I have limitations to what I can and cannot do.
However, I'm not one to just throw up my hands and say "All is lost!" Oh no, not me. I hope to start slowly edging forward and expanding the parameters I travel within my city. I plan on taking on more creative tasks at work. My 30th High School reunion is coming up and maybe I'll go. Still thinking about it and it scares me, but who knows what I'll ultimately decide to do. I want to live a happy, productive life. I guess it's baby steps. For a 47 year-old woman. Oh well. You need to walk before you can fly.
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