Some Words About PTSD

You've heard me refer to my last manic episode in the Spring of 2011. I haven't gone into specifics about it yet, because even though several years have passed, it's still pretty painful for me to think about, let alone discuss in a blog right now. But there's one thing I do know and will share: what I experienced shocked, scared and upset me so much that there is no doubt in my mind I am now suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

My symptoms are basically I do not want to leave my house, save go to my part-time job in an office of 5 people; the small grocery store in my neighborhood; my therapist and psychiatrist's office; and a restaurant or movie theater as long as my husband is with me. I do not like to be in crowds. I do not like large stores. I do not like answering/talking on the phone or listening to phone messages. Loud music upsets me. I'm nervous about driving. Heck, I'm nervous and anxious pretty much about everything.

Obviously, this is no way to live.

What trips me up is my manias are always accompanied by psychosis, which is traumatic by nature. Symptoms of psychosis are:

• Disorganized thought and speech
• False beliefs that are not based in reality (delusions), especially unfounded fear or suspicion
• Hearing, seeing, or feeling things that are not there (hallucinations)
• Thoughts that "jump" between unrelated topics (disordered thinking)

In my case, my bouts of psychosis have gotten worse with each episode, not better. I've read that as an individual with bipolar disorder ages, the episodes become fewer and far less intense. But that has not been the case with me. The 2011 psychotic episode traumatized me so much. I do not recall ever being near-agoraphobic before. I also have never been as anxious as I am now. My anti-anxiety med dose has tripled since May 2011.

And as for stress, well, let's just say I have to keep my exposure to any stressful situation to an absolute minimum. Undo stress can easily spark the ember of hypomania (and subsequently mania) and we know how dangerous that is. For example, I have almost no hand in the finances of our household. Money is a major trigger for me. I work part-time in a low-key office because I really can't handle a full-time employment situation. And I don't read any political or religious articles because they can upset me, and those topics figure prominently in my manias.

But how does one suffering from PTSD live a stress-free life? Well, it's impossible, as we all know. I have my medication and talk therapy, and my husband shoulders most of the responsibility for running the household. This is all fine and good, but underneath it all, I feel saddened that I can't do more on my own. Raised with that "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" mentality, it's really difficult for me to accept that I have limitations to what I can and cannot do.

However, I'm not one to just throw up my hands and say "All is lost!" Oh no, not me. I hope to start slowly edging forward and expanding the parameters I travel within my city. I plan on taking on more creative tasks at work. My 30th High School reunion is coming up and maybe I'll go. Still thinking about it and it scares me, but who knows what I'll ultimately decide to do. I want to live a happy, productive life. I guess it's baby steps. For a 47 year-old woman. Oh well. You need to walk before you can fly.