On Weight

Grrrr....

Now this is a topic that drives me nuts (no pun intended). Weight gain. Anyone like me on medicine to stabilize your mental illness knows that your odds of gaining weight are very, very high. And this, my friends, is why I believe a good number of people start "tinkering" with their med dose. At least that's been the case with me.

My mood stabilizer, Depakote (or "Depa-bloat" as I call it) is well-known for packing on the pounds. As you know from my earlier post, I just had my dosage increased from 1,500/mg day to 2,000/mg a day and I instantly put on 10 lbs. My Ativan (for anxiety) dose has been increased and that makes me wake up in the middle of the night and want to eat. I have to really work hard to fight that urge -- I find drinking water and chewing a piece of Nicotene gum helps.

The most dreaded medicine of all, in my opinion, is the evil Zyprexa. It is prescribed when someone is in florid mania and needs to be "brought down" quickly. In the old days, doctors would use Haldol (some still do) which works too but renders you a zombie for months. Zyprexa is a newer drug and isn't so harsh. But it is known to cause morbid obesity with some people -- and I am one of them.

I was last given Zyprexa in June 2011, to bring me down from that horrible mania with psychotic features. Within one month, I packed on 40 pounds. Maybe 50. I'm not sure. I lugged around this weight, miserable and ashamed, until April 2012 when I embarked on the Optifast Weight Loss program. This is basically a very rigid and restrictive liquid diet. I was compliant for 9 months and lost 80 lbs. And I was very, very proud of myself.

But what has happened is the weight has started to creep back on my body. I know my medicine plays a very big part in this, as I take in around 1,300/calories a day. It's kinda hard to keep swallowing my pills every morning, knowing that they make me fat. I long for the days when I was shapely and trim. But I guess it's just a classic trade off: Do I want to be thin and nuts or fat and stable? You know I'm going for the latter.

Now, since I started taking medicine in 2002, there have been times when I started this "tinkering" I mentioned. What I mean is I cut back my Depakote. This turned out to be a disaster and I ended up in one of the local nut huts. I also have cut back my Ativan a few times and ended up in horrible withdrawal, in an acute anxiety attack. So back into compliance I go, and for the most part, I am a good patient.

I guess this situation is further complicated for me given my love of cooking. I really, really get great pleasure from preparing very elaborate meals -- and of course I'm going to eat them.  I have to work hard to watch my portion size and eat slowly. This can be challenging.

So fight I do this on-going battle with my weight. I don't think it will ever be over, and I don't think I will ever be at an ideal, healthy weight as long as I take my bipolar medicine. I could be wrong -- and I'm hoping I am. It's a struggle though.