Is Melissa Going Manic? Circle The Wagons

I woke up at 3:00 a.m. this morning and put up that last post about the man in Boston with bipolar disorder who disrupted the one-year anniversary of the Boston Marathon bombing. This is actually concerning for three reasons: a.) this is a controversial story that can make my mood escalate if I am approaching mania; b.) it's Springtime, a danger zone for me of the likelihood of becoming manic; and c.) when I wake up at 3:00 a.m. and cannot go back to sleep, that's a key sign that mania could be approaching.

I can just "sense" that something is not quite right. I immediately told my husband and we agreed I would increase my Depakote -- my "anchor" drug -- another 500 mg., so I am now on 2,500 mg/day of Depakote. I do this with a little bit of hesitancy because I am so, so tired now and all I want to do is go to bed. And it's a beautiful Spring day outside, with temps in the 60s. It seems like everyone is out and about.

Except me.

The horrible memories of my last manic episode of 2011 are flooding me right now. The stay at a horrific mental hospital in the poor side of Columbus and being released still in psychosis; the $7,000 spending spree; locating hidden car keys and driving up to Detroit and trying to get into Canada; the futile attempts of my psychiatrist to break the raging psychosis; vocal, angry threats of divorcing my husband; then forced to take the drug Zyprexa which yes, broke the mania, but put 50 lbs. on my body.

I was nuts, plain and simple. Out of my mind. I had to take 3 months off of work to recover. It's a miracle I wasn't fired. I do not want to go through this again. Never again. I know what I am going to do today: Go upstairs and hide under the covers. Hopefully fall asleep. My loving husband said he will do whatever I need him to do. My family is "circling the wagons" and staying in close contact and offering love and support.

I can clearly see that every 3-5 years I have had a manic episode. Can our past experiences help me dodge the bullet this time? Can I trust my psychiatrist when he says I'm going to make it through this Spring AOK? I'm afraid. I am going to make an emergency appointment with my therapist and psychiatrist early this week. I need their help. I'm going to follow all the steps I must to keep things under control. Hopefully things work out for the best.