Talking Things Through: On Dual Diagnosis

One heavy load...

Let's see. They say God only gives you what he knows you can handle, right? Well, in my case that means I should be able to masterfully manage my dual diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder Type 1 and alcoholism. Heck, it should be a breeze for me.

Folks, I'm really tired today. Actually, I'm tired of being sick and tired -- a well-known Alcoholics Anonymous saying. Alcoholism on top of bipolar disorder is one heavy load on my back. Right now I feel as if I will be bent over and disfigured permanently.

I have never, ever questioned the fact that I am an alcoholic. I have been to hundreds of A.A. meetings, chain-smoking away in dingy church basements along with the others looking for hope and healing from this terrible disease. I've successfully pieced together years of sobriety, only to relapse, and then pull myself together again after several months digging myself into a deep hole. Sobriety follows and I relapse again. Rinse, repeat. Stop the ride. I want to get off!

Alcohol and medications for managing my mental illness do not mix. This is clearly stated on my medicine bottles. Drink alcohol and it interferes with the effectiveness of my medication. I know this. And as someone who has suffered from psychotic features attached to my manias, I have no business smoking pot either. And yet Melissa always seems up for a good old game of Russian Roulette.

Throughout the past decade, I've had many encounters with individuals suffering from the dual diagnosis of mental illness and alcoholism/drug addiction. Heck, I've partied with some of them. I believe deep down we all just want to escape the sad reality that we have brain disorders. I know I want the shame to go away and I want to be "normal" again.

I curse my alcoholism and I curse my mental illness. When I really like to wallow, I descend into wails of "It's not fair!" and "I hate you Danish ancestors for these diseases you passed down to me!" But temper tantrums don't get me anywhere. I need to be clean and sober. Particularly given my medication requirements.

I was in tears on the phone with my Mother today, a woman who is also alcoholic and has been sober for almost 30 years. She has never relapsed and I feel like a failure because I have several times. But she comforted me and I told her I didn't want to die from the drink. I get strength from our conversations and actually, truth be told, I'm blessed to have her successfully modeling a sober lifestyle. She will be home tomorrow and I'm so, so happy. I'm getting back up on my feet and she'll help me. I love my mother very much.

I am sober today -- I take things "One Day At A Time" as instructed by Alcoholics Anonymous -- and I'm grateful for that. I am also med-compliant today. But as I said, I'm tired. So tired. How I wish the large, hairy monkey would jump off my back.