Fit To Be Tied

Having been around quite a few people with bipolar disorder, I can see that there are those with quite extreme anger management issues. These "angry bipolars" as I call them, tend to have their outbursts as they escalate into hypomania/mania around Springtime. Fortunately, I do not really have anger management issues because I internalize most -- if not all -- of my frustration, and tend to blame myself for things that upset me.

Now, this is not to say I never have had outbursts in mania with psychosis attached. Oh no, I have been extremely upset with my husband, who I believe has misled me in our marriage. He is a top-secret CIA operative who has set up a phony marriage so he can "spy" on me for the federal government. And he is doing this because I am a "special" sacred being sent from God to judge mankind (that's the grandiosity part).

In mania I've yelled at him, thrown water on him, threatened divorce numerous times, ultimately left the house and gone to my mother's place for a stretch until the mania was controlled by heavy medication. I get very upset now talking/thinking about this because my husband has remained by my side this whole time. Where do these outbursts come from? Is it because I suppress all of my anger/frustration that it just boils over when I get sick? Why would someone who is normally docile and kind and compassionate do a complete 180 degrees and become a vocal monster?

I remember way back -- maybe 2003? -- I was in a bipolar support group meeting in a church downtown. A very heavy-set man came in and I could see he was agitated and I was fairly sure he wasn't on his medication. We were going around the circle, talking about some issue (I don't recall) when he sat up, picked up his chair and slammed it to the ground, breaking it into pieces. He stormed out, leaving us all very frightened.

Of course I'll circle back and remind everyone that most people with a mental illness are not violent -- but it's true that I've seen angry outbursts firsthand. I am also remembering a time when I was in a nut hut and I saw a thick plastic clipboard with the word "Zyprexa" in large letters at the top of it. Obviously something given to the hospital by a marketing rep. But knowing how that drug causes morbid obesity, in my "altered state" I picked up that clipboard and slammed it down on the nurses' station counter. To my amazement, it broke in half.

But the next thing I knew, five (big) men came out of nowhere, picked me up and took me to the "rubber room" and put a shot of Haldol in my butt. I was crying the whole time, saying God was going to be so upset that they were killing me. I fell asleep on the futon on the floor -- for how long, I don't know -- and woke up, stood up, and tried the door handle. It was unlocked. I walked out, and not really knowing what to do, I went to my room and fell back to sleep.

So I guess you can call me an "angry bipolar" (at times) too. It's not something I'm proud about and frankly, I'm embarrassed. But it does come with the territory. And it makes me very, very nervous.