Lightening Up

I Shall Overcome!

Well, my husband has been reading my blog and he told me yesterday it made him sad. And I became worried because I don't want to give the impression that my life is horrific and nothing good has happened in the past 12 years. I've had some time, peppered throughout this period, of great stability and we've had wonderful vacations and family gatherings. I've even been able to interact with friends at times. No, all is not terrible. I want to clarify that.

What's happening with me right now is this is the first time I have been cogently able to write about my mental illness. And I want to have an exorcism of all the bad experiences I have had with mania and psychosis, get the memories wiped out so I can be free of the pain and shame. I'm not really stepping back and examining all the complex beauty and creative energy that accompanies my illness. I do honestly walk the fine line between genius and madness -- and it's quite interesting.

What I am "trapped" in right now is just cold, hard fear that I will get manic again and have to go back into a mental ward. I obsess about it, and tend to give short-shrift to the wonderful things going on in my life and the victories I have in management of my bipolar disorder. This is where my talk therapy is so, so useful. We are working to break through this "fear bubble" (for lack of a better description) I live in so Melissa can shine.

It's no secret that people with bipolar disorder tend to be very, very intelligent and very creative. I have many gifts and I'm lucky. I went to an elite high school and women's college, and obtained a Master's degree in Public Management from a University who's program is in the top 5 in the country. I studied at the London School of Economics in England and I actually was working through a second Master's degree in Journalism before my illness hit. I am gifted in writing, painting and publication design. I've got lots to crow about.

My husband constantly reminds me how gifted I am, and never stops encouraging me to read the very meaty Sunday New York Times that arrives on our doorstep. I never read it anymore, and that's mostly because during one of my manias I sent a garbled letter to the NYT editor. They must have immediately known I was nuts. Again, I'm just afraid -- but we still keep our subscription, waiting for the day when I feel safe enough to delve into the interesting news.

You know about my culinary gift. Now, that I can tell you is something that did not evolve until after my first mania in 2002 and subsequent diagnosis of bipolar disorder. It came almost out of nowhere and I'm quite pleased and proud of it. Only downside is I don't get to be taken out to restaurants that frequently because my husband says my food is better than any place we go to. And I have to agree -- he's right!

Let's see. What else. I'm friendly, I have a heart of gold, I'm compassionate, I don't really pass judgement on others. I like helping people. And I guess I should add I'm pretty humble. I like that about myself. I am going to christen today a "Feel Good About Being Melissa" day. I like the sound of that.

So in closing, please know that I will forthwith try to balance my "bitching" about my illness with a more positive take on the, err, "benefits" of my situation, for there are many. With the bad comes some good. As is the case with most things in life.