A New Attitude?

My mood changed considerably yesterday. In Peter's office were many of my kin -- descendants from Henry VIII (I think) or perhaps St. David I from Scotland or Charlemagne. My family tree is full of royalty on my mother's side and father's side. I was able to speak with them through my head and I told them I was scared. They calmed me and it felt so good.

Of particular note was one gentleman who reinforced that I shouldn't be afraid about not having money. Michael scares me about that and uses it as an excuse to get me back at AGC (where I don't want to go). He does not understand how uncomfortable I am there now. How mean Andrea is, how tense things are. I'm willing to take any mediocre job to get away. I am not treated well at AGC and I'm tired of it. This is an excellent opportunity to break free if I want to.

I wish I had more opportunities to "talk" with people through my head. My thoughts are jumbled, however, and racing. It's very, very hard to slow down. I am going to try and practice more. Maybe take a seat at Starbucks and see if I can "talk" to someone there. I feel weird being alone but I guess I need to get used to it.

It doesn't appear that anyone is going to come up to me directly and tell me how the future is going to play out for me -- particularly the next 5 years. I want a plan in place. Something solid. I want someone to put me in a safe job within Club Fed. Or if I'm not to have a "traditional" job, a plan of what I am to do from this point forward. Write? About what? Current affairs? My views/concerns about the future? Lessons learned? Feminist theory? Do I publish a daily blog post? Am I put on an allowance to do so? When is Michael brought in to the scenario?

I get agitated because no one tells me the answers to these questions i.e. speaks vocally/directly to me and my husband about it. He doesn't believe I can "see" everything; my special bloodlines; my struggles with "hearing"; my wisdom; my ability to find "rats." If I can just get him on board he can ease up on the money/work pressure and let me take some time to find a proper job/use of my time.

Writing is my natural gift. I don't have to think hard about it -- it just flows. To be paid to write is a good thing. Write something I want to write about, not what I'm told to do. Now, where to find a job where I can do this...not sure. Who reads it? Everyone? I have no idea. These things need to be sorted out. Michael is pressuring me to go back to work and make money. To a structured situation where you clock in and clock out. That's all he sees -- money. He doesn't give one hoot if I am unhappy or uncomfortable. It's all about money and it completely stresses me out.

I think if Michael knew there was a little bit of money in the coffer he would relax. He'd get off my back so I can make a break with AGC and get a new job. I believe if he knew I am through my initial training, he would back off. But it's the money that's the kicker. If he was guaranteed an additional 1,300/month (give or take) he'd pipe down and get off my back.

And while we're on this topic -- why is he pushing me to get back to work at the end of this month? For Chrissake, I'm not ready! Folks, it's all about money. Can you see how dangerous this man can be? How unsettling he can be? This is why I so desperately want someone to sit down with him and yank him into reality. He's in the dark and that gets me so upset. Doesn't anyone care about my well-being? Help me!

I am begging -- yes begging -- for someone to enlighten him; give me some guidance; help me to relax so I can recover more easily. I want so much to be happy and free. I need your assistance.

Tracking This Episode

I've looked back over the entries here and I think I can say the mania took me out on May 14 and started growing. It is now July 2 and what I'm seeing is short breakthrough periods of anger or sadness here and there, but for the most part I'm stabilized by the slew of medication I am taking. The "delusions" and "messages" are still there and I remain adamant that they are real. Designed to "control" me so I don't go off my rocker. I'm in one big "hospital" here in town.

I'm agitated that I have to take so many meds because they make me fat and I want to eat all the time. I have gained so much weight and that upsets me to no end. Getting this weight off is going to take months and months. Yes, the trade-off is fat and sane or thin and nuts. And I'm going for the former. But ladies and gentlemen, this is so embarrassing and upsetting. I feel like a big butterball.

If history is our guide, I should be through the mania in a few weeks, and we can start backing down the extra meds at the end of the month. I'd like to state for the record that this mania has been very, very different from all the other ones -- and I am changed now that I can "see" and "hear." This is going to guide my decision where I end up working, be that AGC of Ohio or somewhere else.

I know our little friends who have come to town have a place where they want me to be so I can be controlled. Most likely AGC. And it will be impossible for me to find work elsewhere. This makes me bitter and resentful and just emphasizes that I can't get a fair shake in this town. Oh, do I dislike it here! I long to be free. I am slowly accepting that this town will be my prison for a long, long period of time -- and it makes me want to cry. I'm lonely, my house is a mess, my marriage isn't healthy and strong. It's just horrible. I'm sorry to say this but it's the truth.

I know I'm supposed to be picking through the "garbage" here in town and find "nuggets" of golden, worthwhile things. But when you've been cut off at the knees it's a little difficult to perform your search. I wish I had golden words to utter to all; motivational speeches and tidbits of wisdom. But there is nothing right now. I'm just sad and overwhelmed,

I see Dr. Z today and I have a massage scheduled. Let's see how that goes. Should help a little bit.

Pain and Volatility

Am I psychotic -- or seeing the truth?

They have introduced Haldol into my mix -- reducing Seroquel simultaneously. From what I can tell, this hasn't really done anything because I still have the "visions" and see "agents" and people everywhere sending messages to me through colored clothing and cars and license plates. I have sadly come to the conclusion that no one is going to believe me if I try and explain this -- they will think I'm off my rocker and medicate me even more and ultimately lock me up again.

I find that I have a short semblance of peace when I start my day but as things progress, something sets me off and I either start crying hysterically or become very, very angry and volatile. What underlies all of this is fear and frustration that I cannot vocalize my feelings/knowledge with anyone. This constant "up and down" in mood state is so very hard on me and keeps me from feeling peace and contentment. What I want to do is sit down with a group of people involved in this "game" we are playing and talk at great length why things are being orchestrated this way; who is involved; how long this scenario is going to be perpetuated; and what I am supposed to do.

As you may know, one of my favorite quotes is from Socrates: "I know that I don't know." And this is somewhat true in this current episode -- with some caveats -- and I should just accept things as they are. But something is compelling me to rise up and fight for my right to be informed. Yet we know what happened to Socrates...  I am not, by nature, a calm, passive human being -- well, let me restate that. When heavily medicated, I am almost on auto-pilot, constantly smiling and pleasant.

But there is anger/fear underneath this...years of pain and rejection from my town. I don't seem to fit in anywhere; my house is deteriorating; I'm an alcoholic (in recovery); since the pills I am grossly overweight; the list goes on and on. I'm very sad right now and depressed and suicidal ideations pop up here and there. Perhaps I just turn off the radio (NPR) and reduce all external stimulation. It is just making me more upset and downtrodden. When will I be happy and hopeful again? When will I wake up feeling positive about mankind and our future?

Action Steps

I am finding I need to write to get my feelings out. I am in great emotional turmoil dear friends, and the pain is incredibly difficult to bear. I feel as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders and while yes, I can shoulder the load, there are just so many people crying and hurting like me -- so the task is almost too much for me.

I up and left my office yesterday. I just cannot continue to work in that environment. It feels cold and unloving; like everyone is wearing a "mask" and I know when Andrea returns it will be impossible for me to be there. So after breaking down in the ladies room and getting composure, I got my Basset Hound coffee mug and Basset Hound mouse pad Glenna bought me years ago and just left. Didn't really say anything formal -- just walked out.

I guess I feel it's better for me to leave on my time schedule versus awaiting someone else's decision. I'd like to think I have some semblance of "control" over the situation. I've always been a team player -- and I support the team approach for problem solving -- and if I sit down and really think hard about this, I am the only one in the office who truly stands behind this credo. I am different than the others. It's always been that way. And my self esteem is continually shredded and it's time to stop this ASAP.

Husband is of course focusing on the financial cost of me being unemployed and the great difficulty I will have finding another job. My response is to let me sit here for a bit; perhaps try to get some severance or unemployment from my boss; and then go about the frustrating search for a new job. I'm tired, dear readers. Just bone tired. I need to rest.

Another thing I want to do is laugh. I really miss the laughter. I had a brief taste of it yesterday and it felt good; but most of the time I am confused, frustrated, and sad. Really worried about beloved Basset Nell. She'll be 15 in August and she's still moving but I know she's in pain. Will I know when it's time to send her off to be with Lou on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge? Will there be signs? How will I handle it emotionally? Questions. No clear answers.

Why doesn't anyone in this town want to work with me? I've had to leave jobs, been fired -- what is going on? I never had this problem in Washington. My hometown wants nothing to do with me. I'm shedding tears over this because I have so much to offer, so much to give and no one wants it. What do I need to change?

It feels -- right now -- that for most of my life I've been in deep emotional pain. I don't know why -- could it be tied to my compassionate nature? Is God subjecting me to a test? Am I just some oddball, some nutcase, unfit for society? Why don't I fit in with everyone else? I'm so very sad. Perhaps I can visit my Mother today. I would like that.

Sledgehammer

Still finding writing to be terribly difficult and still having grandiose "visions" about communicating with God and sending messages to everyone. I'm confused because this feels so real -- and what if it is actually happening? I feel alone and want to hibernate, and I'm actually glad the meds hit me like a sledgehammer because it keeps me from "roaming" around Columbus (and elsewhere) looking for "signs" that people are acting to clean up their sins.

The ideas of "redemption" and "atonement" are very important to me right now. I feel like this city is full of vice and greed and and sin and I am trapped here. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one who notices this -- other times I believe there is an "army" here of people who received the battle cry and are diligently working to clean this filthy place up.

On a personal note, I have packed on a significant amount of weight due to the pills and a raging appetite that appeared out of nowhere. I feel like a cow and ugly and unlovable. I go through these depressive states which don't last long -- thank God -- and when they hit I want to either sleep or eat. My lower back pain is back and walking is difficult. I know this is going to upset my husband, who likes to be active. I am seeing Optifast in my future, perhaps. I'm just going to mull it over..

So this is where I am today. Uncomfortable. Vestiges of psychosis. But carrying Winston with me: "Never give up! Never give up! Never give up!"

Some Progress

Hello dear readers and apologies for my absence. I am heavily medicated right now and slow to respond on things. Also, my thoughts are a tad bit jumbled and hard to get down on paper. I may have to resort to just posting music lyrics that capture how I am feeling. For some strange reason, that helps.

I am back to work after a four week absence, which really is something of note. To recover so quickly from an episode has not happened to me before; plus I was able to be "hospitalized" at home (i. e. car keys and jewelry taken away; credit cards removed; medicine dosage monitored and followed through, etc.).

Medicine wise, we jacked up the Depakote to 2,500 mg/day; increased the Invega to 9 mg/day and added Seroquel at 800 mg/day. It's quite a "load" but I can definitely function. My sleep, though slightly choppy, is getting better. I do, however, have serious memory problems, but I am going to focus on writing things down -- making lists -- when something pertains to something important.

Regarding my writer's block: It is still here but I am going to try and push through it. Things just aren't flowing like they used to. We had that window there for a bit then it shut (as it always does) so I need to get it open again. Some assistance may be needed. When I'm prolific, the words just flow on to the page. I don't really have to think about things at all. But during periods like these, things are tough.

So here is where we stand today. Walking, not crawling. Which is good.

Pushing Through Writer's Block

Hello dear readers. I've been in a mild episode, but I believe I am starting to recover. Writer's block is in place, but I'm going to do my best to overcome it.

Here are two songs I've been thinking about recently:

"My City Was Gone" by the Pretenders

I WENT BACK TO OHIO
BUT MY CITY WAS GONE
THERE WAS NO TRAIN STATION
THERE WAS NO DOWNTOWN

SOUTH HOWARD HAD DISAPPEARED
ALL MY FAVORITE PLACES
MY CITY HAD BEEN PULLED DOWN
REDUCED TO PARKING SPACES

A, O, WAY TO GO OHIO

WELL I WENT BACK TO OHIO
BUT MY FAMILY WAS GONE
I STOOD ON THE BACK PORCH
THERE WAS NOBODY HOME

I WAS STUNNED AND AMAZED
MY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES
SLOWLY SWIRLED PAST
LIKE THE WIND THROUGH THE TREES

A, O, OH WAY TO GO OHIO

I WENT BACK TO OHIO
BUT MY PRETTY COUNTRYSIDE
HAD BEEN PAVED DOWN THE MIDDLE
BY A GOVERNMENT THAT HAD NO PRIDE

THE FARMS OF OHIO
HAD BEEN REPLACED BY SHOPPING MALLS
AND MUZAK FILLED THE AIR
FROM SENECA TO CUYAHOGA FALLS

SAID, A, O, OH WAY TO GO OHIO

* * *

"The Look Of Love" by ABC

When your world is full of strange arrangements
and gravity won't pull you through
you know you're missing out on something
well that something depends on you.

All I'm saying it takes a lot to love you
all I'm doing you know it's true
all I mean now there's one thing
yes one thing that turns this grey sky to blue.

That's the look that's the look the look of love
that's the look that's the look the look of love
that's the look that's the look the look of love

When your girl has left you out on the pavement (Goodbye)
Then your dreams fall apart at the seams
Your reason for living's your reason for leaving
Don't ask me what it means.

Who got the look? I don't know the answer to that question
Where's the look? If I knew I would tell you
What's the look? Look for your information
Yes there's one thing the one thing that still holds true
What's that?

That's the look that's the look the look of love
that's the look that's the look the look of love
that's the look that's the look the look of love

That's the look that's the look the look of love
that's the look that's the look the look of love
that's the look that's the look the look of love

If you judge a book by the cover
Then you judge the look by the lover
I hope you'll soon recover
Me I go from one extreme to another

And all my friends just might ask me
They say 'Martin, maybe, one day you'll find true love'
And I say 'Maybe, there must be a solution to
The one thing, the one thing, we can't find'

That's the look that's the look, Sisters and Bothers
that's the look that's the look, should help each other
that's the look that's the look, oh, oh, oh,
Heavens above.

That's the look that's the look, hip hip hooray, ay.
that's the look that's the look, yippee ai yippee aiay
that's the look that's the look, be lucky in love
Look of love.