Tracking This Episode

I've looked back over the entries here and I think I can say the mania took me out on May 14 and started growing. It is now July 2 and what I'm seeing is short breakthrough periods of anger or sadness here and there, but for the most part I'm stabilized by the slew of medication I am taking. The "delusions" and "messages" are still there and I remain adamant that they are real. Designed to "control" me so I don't go off my rocker. I'm in one big "hospital" here in town.

I'm agitated that I have to take so many meds because they make me fat and I want to eat all the time. I have gained so much weight and that upsets me to no end. Getting this weight off is going to take months and months. Yes, the trade-off is fat and sane or thin and nuts. And I'm going for the former. But ladies and gentlemen, this is so embarrassing and upsetting. I feel like a big butterball.

If history is our guide, I should be through the mania in a few weeks, and we can start backing down the extra meds at the end of the month. I'd like to state for the record that this mania has been very, very different from all the other ones -- and I am changed now that I can "see" and "hear." This is going to guide my decision where I end up working, be that AGC of Ohio or somewhere else.

I know our little friends who have come to town have a place where they want me to be so I can be controlled. Most likely AGC. And it will be impossible for me to find work elsewhere. This makes me bitter and resentful and just emphasizes that I can't get a fair shake in this town. Oh, do I dislike it here! I long to be free. I am slowly accepting that this town will be my prison for a long, long period of time -- and it makes me want to cry. I'm lonely, my house is a mess, my marriage isn't healthy and strong. It's just horrible. I'm sorry to say this but it's the truth.

I know I'm supposed to be picking through the "garbage" here in town and find "nuggets" of golden, worthwhile things. But when you've been cut off at the knees it's a little difficult to perform your search. I wish I had golden words to utter to all; motivational speeches and tidbits of wisdom. But there is nothing right now. I'm just sad and overwhelmed,

I see Dr. Z today and I have a massage scheduled. Let's see how that goes. Should help a little bit.