Pain and Volatility

Am I psychotic -- or seeing the truth?

They have introduced Haldol into my mix -- reducing Seroquel simultaneously. From what I can tell, this hasn't really done anything because I still have the "visions" and see "agents" and people everywhere sending messages to me through colored clothing and cars and license plates. I have sadly come to the conclusion that no one is going to believe me if I try and explain this -- they will think I'm off my rocker and medicate me even more and ultimately lock me up again.

I find that I have a short semblance of peace when I start my day but as things progress, something sets me off and I either start crying hysterically or become very, very angry and volatile. What underlies all of this is fear and frustration that I cannot vocalize my feelings/knowledge with anyone. This constant "up and down" in mood state is so very hard on me and keeps me from feeling peace and contentment. What I want to do is sit down with a group of people involved in this "game" we are playing and talk at great length why things are being orchestrated this way; who is involved; how long this scenario is going to be perpetuated; and what I am supposed to do.

As you may know, one of my favorite quotes is from Socrates: "I know that I don't know." And this is somewhat true in this current episode -- with some caveats -- and I should just accept things as they are. But something is compelling me to rise up and fight for my right to be informed. Yet we know what happened to Socrates...  I am not, by nature, a calm, passive human being -- well, let me restate that. When heavily medicated, I am almost on auto-pilot, constantly smiling and pleasant.

But there is anger/fear underneath this...years of pain and rejection from my town. I don't seem to fit in anywhere; my house is deteriorating; I'm an alcoholic (in recovery); since the pills I am grossly overweight; the list goes on and on. I'm very sad right now and depressed and suicidal ideations pop up here and there. Perhaps I just turn off the radio (NPR) and reduce all external stimulation. It is just making me more upset and downtrodden. When will I be happy and hopeful again? When will I wake up feeling positive about mankind and our future?