Yesterday early evening did not go very well. I started reflecting on a discussion I had earlier in the week when I accompanied a work colleague to a political function she had to attend. Inevitably we started discussing if/when I would return to work. I am very confused about that and I'm medicated and it really stresses me quite a bit.
Somehow the talk started circling around this idea that I should leave and collecting unemployment would be impossible and all I was entitled to was a small severance package. And I've been mulling this over and no one has talked with the Big Boss yet and I have no idea what my status is. As I've said, I hate uncertainty but that's what I'm facing.
So thoughts of this started melting into this whole manic experience I am having and it built into an eruption of tears and suicidal thoughts. A river of tears flowed down my face and I told husband I needed to go to the hospital because I had thoughts of hurting myself. But then I calmed down after having this good cry.
I don't like the suicidal thoughts. Blessedly we found that right medication (Lexapro) long ago to treat my depression if it tries to crop up. I've been free from suicidal thinking for years. But it sneaked up yesterday and I forgot what it was like. I'm stable today and things are under control. Waiting for all the meds to kick in and send me off to zombie land.
Obviously work and the unknowns with that are forefront in my mind. Husband is going to talk directly with the Big Boss next week so we will get a good idea of what my options are. Right now I think I want to go back. I'm on a roller coaster though.
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