No, mornings are not a good time for my husband. He's in a bad mood -- mostly because he wants to keep sleeping -- which doesn't elevate until he's had his coffee. This morning wasn't good at all. He wants, he needs some cleaning done around here. And it's not a big list of things. Just some vacuuming, clean some dishes, stuff like that. I should be able to do these tasks with no problem.
Why does it seem like such a burden to do?
It's hard for me to explain this. It actually hurts me to do cleaning -- physically and mentally. I've burst into tears before from just organizing a small bookshelf. I have vacuumed our tiny TV room and had to have a break halfway through it. Why?!
I think I am depressed. I think the medicine I am taking is too strong and is bringing me down too much. Fortunately, I see Dr. Z today and I can ask him. I'm going to also let him know how frustrated Michael is, and ask for some advice on how to make things easier for the caretaker. He's not asking for me to do much around here. This is easy stuff. However, it feels like a mountain for me to climb.
I berate myself for my housecleaning shortcomings. I hate conflict and it upsets me to know I cause grief for my husband. Some may say, "It's not your fault!" but I feel like I should be doing what he wants and more because honestly it's not much.
I want my husband to be happy and I'm overcome with guilt that I irritate him. Sure, there is some sort of friction in all marriages. Why can't I remember that? Of course I discuss this topic of guilt often in my talk therapy sessions. It's got me all bound up -- not just now, but has for a good long while.
Well, I'm on my third cup of coffee and I'm all "pilled up." Time to start slowly gearing up for my tasks. I can do this. I've got plenty of toilet paper if I start crying. One day at a time, Melissa. One foot in front of the other.
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