Problem Patients

Well, let's see. I've heard (and read) about all those people with a mental illness who don't want to take their medication. Some say it makes them feel groggy or "flat." Others miss the "high." People (like me) cannot stand the side effects, particularly weight gain. I've also experienced something new. By accident, in a way. If I miss (or delay) my morning dosage, I feel great. Better than I have in years.

Danger, Will Robinson, danger.

I cannot recall being so drawn to anti-compliance as I am now. I want to be free of the meds, I want the medicine helmet off, I want to be like "regular" people and think and behave like "normal" people. And subsequently, I feel anguish because I know what happens to most people with a severe mental illness (like me) who stop taking their pills.

They get very, very sick.

No, I'm not violent. I would just melt into a frightening world of delusions and paranoia and grandiosity and sleeplessness. And I must now dig very, very deep inside and say to myself, "Melissa, you have a brain disease. You need this medicine to treat it. Follow instructions. Happier days will come around soon."

I have always been the proverbial "trooper." I'm a tough cookie and I've been compliant with my med dosages almost 100%. I follow doctor's orders. Yes, I've done some slight "tweaks" around the edges, but nothing radical, and I always let Dr. Z. know. So I don't think you can call me a Problem Patient. But rest assured, there are many that fit this classification.

What I am trying to remember is 50 years ago, they didn't have any of these meds and would simply lock people up in the nut hut. I'm the beneficiary of great strides in modern medicine. I didn't even have to endure a stint in the loony bin this time around. We are successfully "home hospitalizing" me. I'm now allowed to drive the car, handle my allowance, and spend time with a friend. Well, actually, I prefer talking on the phone with friends versus visiting with them. But I don't feel "alone" like I do in the hospital.

I get solace in these mantras: One Day At A Time. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Well known, beloved quotes.  When I think about skipping/tinkering pill dosages, I try to come right back to the Serenity Prayer. I need my medicine to keep me from suicidal depression or uncontrollable mania. I will find serenity by accepting this regime.

What I can change is how I view myself. I am not a freak. I don't need to be shunned or locked up forever. I am a kind, compassion person. I want to help others get well too. I am wise in the management of bipolar disorder. There is no cure but we have treatment options. And this I know quite a bit about. I'm more than willing to share my knowledge with others.

So here we are. Another day of rehabilitation from this latest manic episode. I took my morning meds a little while ago and they are kicking into place. Until later...have a great day!